Issue date: Feb 6, 2000

In this article: 5 steps to making smart small talk Also: Quiz: Small Talk Apprehension Measure

By Dru Sefton

THE latest dinosaur of the Internet age: small talk, the little banter between people meant to grease the wheels of more meaningful conversation.

Today, anyone with a modem can "talk" to anyone else online, threatening the art of live chitchat with extinction. That may sound trivial, but small talk is key to most of our relationships, says psychologist Bernardo Carducci, author of The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk. "The purpose of small talk is to get everything started," says Carducci, director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast. "Every great love story, every major business deal, involves that initial contact."

But now, as people communicate less personally -- sending e-mail vs. conversing, using an ATM vs. interacting with a teller -- they've become more shy, Carducci says.

In working with shy people, Carducci found nothing frightened them more than chitchat with a stranger. Recent research by the American Psychological Association holds that this "social phobia" is the third most common mental illness in the United States, affecting 8% of adults and 5% of children. And it can be a tough phobia to conquer. "People think they have to be brilliant," Carducci says. "Rather than risk failure, they just avoid the situation."

That's just what Gayle Sallee was doing. As owner of Kremer's Smoke Shoppe in Louisville, he couldn't avoid small talk. ("With cigars, you have to talk with the customers.") But he was nervous. So he turned to Carducci, who decided to create a resource for people like Sallee. His new book explains that small talk follows a pattern: first "setting talk,'' then a personal introduction, etc. "You can anticipate where the conversation is going," Carducci says. "It's like a road map: If you know there's a curve down the line, you can prepare."

Now Sallee, 51, is comfortable with strangers. "If you have something to follow, the conversation just flows," he says. "I don't even think about it anymore. It just happens."

Not everyone is born with the gift of gab, says Bernardo Carducci. Small talk is a learned art. His tips:

1. Make a simple declaration to show you are open to conversation ("This line sure is long").
2. Introduce yourself with specifics. Don't be vague ("I work with computers"). A specific statement ("Our firm sells books online") provides more information for others to ask about.
3. Select a topic others can relate to ("I saw a great movie the other night"). Don't worry about sounding brilliant; simple is fine.
4. Associate that topic with other subjects ("The theater where I saw that movie is in this lively area of town").
5. As the chat winds down, end it gracefully and show gratitude ("I must be going, but thanks -- I've enjoyed talking with you").