How long should a woman stay married to an alcoholic? My husband drinks seven days a week. He works and provides for the house, but I am so unhappy and very lonely.
C.D., Ohio

There is no road map for marriage and alcoholism. I can't say that "4.78 years" is how long one "should" stay married to an alcoholic. But I can tell you you can't change him. All you can do is take care of yourself. We call a relationship like this -- when someone is involved with an addict or alcoholic -- a "co-dependent" relationship.

A readily available solution is Al-Anon, where you can develop relationships with people in similar situations. By picking a sponsor and working through the steps, you will initiate substantial personal growth. And when a co-dependent begins to grow, whether through a 12-step program or through psychotherapy, that, more than anything else in my experience, can get the alcoholic's attention and make him more willing to do something.

When you make clear that you are no longer engaging in the dance that the alcoholic has learned to control and that you will leave, he'll sometimes change as a way to keep up with you. And if he doesn't -- well, that's the best you can do.

But you shouldn't get involved in a program of co-dependency recovery for your husband's sake; it's really for you. You mention vividly how you feel lonely and hurt, and how your needs are not being met. You should seek other intimate relationships with people who are available for you -- not romantic relationships, but relationships that can support you and fill that intimacy gap.

Drew Pinsky, M.D., is co-host of the nationally syndicated radio show Loveline. Write: Dr. Drew, USA WEEKEND, 1000 Wilson Blvd., Arlington, Va. 22229-0012.