Ask a question: Dennie Hughes will answer questions from readers in RelationTips In this article: Delicacy in dealing with 18-year-old freedom

Filibuster busters

Finesse your guests' political agendas at your next family get-together.

t's presidential election time. As if family get-togethers weren't tough enough! Suddenly, even the most polite, "no religion or politics at the table" family members feel the need to voice their opinions about the best man (yes, just men again) for the White House job. Mix the "who cares, they're all the same anyway" crew with your NRA card-holding father, your fresh-off-the-Million-Mom-March sister and the varied pro-life, pro-choice, health-care and education reformists who make up the rest of your family, and you have tension worthy of a WWF Smack Down.

Stressful? You bet. Once the political debates get going, it's really hard not to exercise your right to free speech in a negative manner ("Will you shut up already?") or to form alliances to vote the loudest, most annoying family members out of the house.

However, there are ways to get through this political-slash-holiday gathering season, family relations intact. All you need is a little patience, common sense and, in the spirit of Survivor winner Richard Hatch, a game plan.

If you're attending a family function, think about the guest list. At this point, you already know which family members are pushy know-it-alls or have views that differ radically from yours. With that in mind, try to avoid sitting with them. If you end up being cornered by a relative who is drastically opinionated, several options are available. Hate conflict? Politely excusing yourself to "help out in the kitchen" is the best way to do a disappearing act. Too comfortable or lazy to move? Change the subject to something less controversial (because people love to talk about themselves, mention how well they look and ask for their secrets on how they keep that glow). Crave confrontation and want to voice your views? Keep your voice calm, let the other person finish talking before you speak, and start sentences with "I see what you're saying, but I believe ..." or, "That's an interesting idea, but it seems to me ..." (Being gracious and not stating opinions as fact -- "I know" -- invites the other person to listen.)

If you're the designated host for family gatherings, establish some rules in a friendly but firm manner to keep political discussion to a minimum. Upon arrival, explain to all that a 30-minute chunk of time will be set aside for political discussion and that anyone who goes beyond that won't get coffee and cake. Also, anyone who shouts or gets angry will be in charge of cleanup. Don't forget to enlist allies for your cause -- asking several of your easier-going, non-political family members to keep an eye out for trouble spots and help cool off heated discussions takes pressure off of you. It's hard enough to play hostess without having to worry about playing referee as well. If the political commentary starts getting to you, give yourself a mini-meditation break in a different room. Sit down in a comfortable chair, close your eyes, breathe slowly and deeply, and allow your mind to picture a scene that makes you feel happy. Do this for no less than two minutes and no more than 20, or until you feel a sense of calm.

And finally, if the issues that your family supports scare you, make it a point to get out and vote. It is not only your right -- it's the best revenge against certain family members who caused you to cringe at the last family event!

My 18-year-old daughter is a college freshman, and my husband and I provide full financial support. When we spoke about her upcoming break, she said she wanted to sleep over at her 24-year-old boyfriend's place instead of our home. We like her boyfriend, but we don't think a "sleepover" arrangement is appropriate (especially in front of her younger sister). She's already threatened never to visit us if we don't let her have her way. How should we handle this?
A Concerned Mom

Going away to college and getting a taste of what it's like to be "on your own" can be pretty intoxicating to a young person. When this newfound freedom high is brought down to earth by parental authority, it can sometimes lead to boundary testing and rebellious behavior.

Speak with your daughter in a non-confrontational manner, keeping the "because I'm the parent, that's why" tone out of your voice. Tell her that you respect her ability to make her own decisions about how to handle her life away from you, and that you understand and support her need to see her boyfriend during breaks. Then let her know you need her to treat your lifestyle and rules with the same respect you accord her, adding how much it would mean to you if she could be a good role model to her younger sister. Finally, make her an offer: She can spend as much time with her boyfriend as she wants; at night, she comes home at a reasonable time and sleeps alone, in her own room.

If she starts threatening you with a disappearing act, don't hesitate to ask her how she'd feel if you threatened her tuition or relationship (a subtle reminder of who pays the bills is always a wake-up call). Make sure she understands that, from now on, she will be accorded the same type of treatment she dishes out, and most likely she'll grudgingly give in -- most young people recognize when boundary testing crosses the line. And speaking of the boyfriend -- consider asking him to attend a family dinner or two, letting him know in advance how much you appreciate his support in this situation. If he's the great guy you think he is, he'll help keep the peace by encouraging your daughter to go along with the program.