Issue date: December 10, 2000
I've been divorced
for almost nine years and am still uncomfortable dating. Being the
mother of three independent, active children has not made my social
life any easier. When they were 3, 4 and 5, my excuse was, "They
can't be left alone." Now they are 12, 13 and 14, and I still feel
the same way. Mom's taxicab runs all day. How am I supposed to incorporate
a fun -- much less serious -- dating relationship into this chaos?!
C.G., Oklahoma
How
can a divorced mom incorporate dating, a busy life and three
active kids?
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It sounds to me like you don't trust yourself not to get involved
once again in a relationship that's distressful or destructive.
You don't say why you divorced, but I would bet it was because of
something painful, if only after nine years you question why you're
not looking for another intimate relationship. Losing yourself in
your children's lives is the path of least resistance. It's noble,
and God bless you for doing it. But clearly, something is blocking
your ability to look at what your intimate needs might be.
I don't know your history, but perhaps you have a habit of being
attracted to the wrong men. Attraction often grows out of unhealthy,
unfinished childhood business and is something to be very skeptical
of. Instinct, on the other hand, is much more reliable. The answer
is to try to tune out all the rattle about who you find attractive
and listen instead to those instincts that tell you if something
is right or wrong for you. That might mean picking a guy you're
not so incredibly attracted to, but one you assess to be a good
person. The time constraint issue is very real, but we're talking
about one night a week, maybe, not a major time commitment yet.
Just get your feet wet and see how it goes.
Drew Pinsky, M.D., is co-host of the nationally syndicated
radio show Loveline. Write: Dr. Drew, USA WEEKEND, 1000 Wilson
Blvd., Arlington, Va. 22229-0012.
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