Prenups: Now they're "romantic"

A friend of Arlene Dubin's was "aghast" to learn that the New York City-based lawyer had signed a prenuptial agreement. The friend's shocked response ("We thought you loved each other!") inspired Dubin, who has practiced matrimonial law for 15 years, to write her new book, Prenups for Lovers: A Romantic Guide to Prenuptial Agreements (Villard, $14.95). Dubin hopes prenups will someday "be standard with the wedding package, along with the license, the ring and the bridal shower." She keeps hers in a Tiffany bowl with her other wedding mementos. "Prenups are in," Dubin says. "Messy divorces are out."

You say prenuptial agreements decrease the odds of divorce. How?
Seventy percent of divorces are said to occur over money. A lot of people go into marriage without knowing about each other's assets and debts. The prenup provides a structure for disclosing that information. Like professional counselors advise good communication for great sex, I advise full financial disclosure for lasting marriages.

What's so romantic about prenups?
They stimulate communication and compromise. Money is a big bugaboo. People don't like to talk about it. Once you start to talk about money, it opens the door to honest and open discussions in other sensitive areas and strengthens the emotional bond. What's so romantic about a marriage that ends in divorce six months later?

Why start off a marriage planning for its possible failure?
People think prenups cause divorce. That's as silly as saying health insurance makes you sick. A prenup increases the chances of an everlasting marriage because you've already done a lot of the hard work. There are certain facts people who are getting married ought to know. Even if it's a turnoff, it's better to find out before rather than afterwards.

Why not just hope for the best and deal with the worst if it happens?
When two people enter into a marriage, they are already looking out for one another's best interests. That's the optimal time to come up with a fair and balanced agreement, not when your judgment is clouded with anger or hostility during a divorce or, if you have to go to court, when you're subject to the biases and value systems of a judge.

Aren't prenups just for the wealthy?
They're for anyone with a business, a professional license or practice, or any assets or debts. Even if you're young with no assets, you have possibilities you want to plan for. Prenups cost a couple hundred dollars to thousands, or even more for the super-rich. And for every dollar you spend on a prenuptial agreement, it's estimated you save $10 to $1,000 in divorce or probate readings.

Why are they more necessary now?
First, people have more property than ever. There's a huge transfer of wealth from the Depression generation to the baby boomers, an estimated $40 trillion in the next five decades. Second, the divorce rate is 50%, and 60% for remarriages. People live longer, so it's less likely you are going to be married to one person for life. Finally, divorce laws are murky, particularly in dividing up stock options, businesses, and professional practices and licenses, which are more important in today's more educated population.

-- Jennifer Mendelsohn