Issue date: January 28, 2001

In this article:
What would Malcolm's mom do?

Chop, chop!

Say hi to that no-nonsense Malcolm in the Middle mom and the woman who plays her so vividly, Jane Kaczmarek.

By Jennifer Mendelsohn

IT'S SAFE TO SAY there has never been a TV mother quite like Lois, the madcap matriarch of Fox's quirky hit Malcolm in the Middle (Sundays, 8:30 p.m. ET). Part harried working suburban mom, part wacky Lucy Ricardo and part drill sergeant -- her trademark cry is "Chop, chop!" -- Lois' antics have included shaving her husband's back at the kitchen table and threatening to destroy the television set if her kids didn't fess up to some mischief. "Say goodbye to a cherished family member!" she warned, a mallet poised in her rubber-gloved hands.

"You've got people acting exactly as you knew Beaver Cleaver's family really acted, or doing what you know those kids on Father Knows Best were really doing when they weren't on camera," says Jane Kaczmarek, 45, whose over-the-top portrayal of Lois -- who has no last name -- earned her an Emmy Award nomination.

While Malcolm is clearly played for laughs, Lois' no-nonsense approach to keeping her four boys in line has clearly hit a nerve with viewers, especially when it comes to her authoritarian brand of discipline. "There is such a lack of the kind of touchy-feely thing we've gotten used to seeing in television parents," says the Wisconsin-bred Kaczmarek. "Lois doesn't take time out to ask the kids how they're feeling or what the impetus was for their actions. She doesn't have a lot of time to think about how she's going to phrase things or think about alternate punishments or rules.

"She just swoops down and handles punishment and order in the way she finds the most fitting. Some people find that very familiar because their parents did that, or they find it wistful because they wish they could do that."

When it comes to raising her own 3-year-old daughter and 1-year-old son with her husband, Bradley Whitford (deputy chief of staff Josh Lyman on The West Wing), Kaczmarek says that, like Lois, she is not afraid to be "very definite about what I expect. "For the most part, [Lois] is right on the money. She knows what she wants to happen, and she knows she wants to have it done now."

"I have friends who don't like to say no to their children," she says. "Why not? I know from having cats and dogs that nothing works more efficiently than saying no in a stern voice. Not to say your cats and dogs are like your children, but kids are always looking for boundaries and rules. Happier children know what's expected of them. I know my kids behave a lot better when I put a little fear of God into them."

And while the Malcolm kids certainly have the fear of God in them -- eldest son Francis has been unceremoniously shipped off to military school -- Kaczmarek bristles at the suggestion that the family is dysfunctional, a word she says has mistakenly become a "wastebasket term for anything that means wacky. True dysfunction is an incredibly crippling malady. It's a sad, horrible thing. To me, one of the primary components of dysfunction is silence. There are all sorts of unspoken anger and resentment and disappointment in a family that expresses itself in unhealthy ways.

"This family is anything but that. You know where you stand with everyone. The kids don't get away with anything. Those parents know where those kids are. They have dinner together every night. They go to parent-teacher conferences -- and take the teacher's side! They're loud and crazy and colorful and eccentric, but they function extremely efficiently."

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USA WEEKEND cooked up a few typical parenting dilemmas and asked the fateful question:

What would Malcolm's mom do?

With help from the Malcolm writers, here are Lois' answers.

You discover your teenage son has been looking at adult Web sites.
"We have a 14.4 modem. If they want to spent six hours downloading a blurry picture of Pamela Anderson, be my guest."

Your kids have to be in three different places across town at the exact same time, and none of them drives.
"Ground all three of them and take a bath."

Your son announces he's quitting school to become a professional wrestler.
"I make him a deal: If he can beat me, he has my blessing."

Your regular baby sitter cancels an hour before you're set to go out for a big night on the town.
"Ha! That's a good one! I don't know which is funnier -- a regular baby sitter or a big night on the town!"

Your kids sneak out to an Eminem concert without your permission.
"I lock the doors, I wait for them to come home, and then I report a prowler."

Your 13-year-old comes home with a tattoo or body piercing.
"That's impossible. If he has a tattoo or piercing, he has no home."

Your 13-year-old asks if he can host a coed sleepover at your house.
"Sure, as long as there are no girls."

You discover that the girlfriend your son has been keeping from you is a 40-year-old divorced mom of three.
"I'd say now that woman is a mother of four."