In this article: What do the celebs plan to do with their tax rebate checks?

The great American Tax Windfall

It's like found money and it's all yours. But before you spend foolishly, humorist Joe Queenan shares ideas to help make the most of this wallet-widening event.

Over the next few weeks, millions more of us will receive our tax refunds from the government. This federal program presents Americans with a historic opportunity to drag the nation out of a recession whose existence many economists continue to deny -- although they seem to deny it less vehemently when throngs of the newly unemployed are in the general vicinity.

Obviously, this turnaround will occur only if we spend the money wisely, targeting the sectors of the economy most in need of a jump-start. If we simply put the cash in the bank, squander it on a trip to Vegas or blow it on lottery tickets, the federal government might just as well keep the money and waste it on some frivolous entitlement program or extraneous new weapons system. If anybody merely spending the money were the point of the exercise, there would be no reason for the cash ever to leave Capitol Hill.

No, if the tax cut is to achieve its desired effect, the public must be highly focused in its spending decisions. One strategy is to target a flagging industry. Obviously, the technology sector, which led the boom of the past few years, could use a helping hand. Those of us who own shares in the buffeted Intels, battered Compaqs and ravaged Lucents would dearly love to see these companies get up off the canvas. But merely buying these companies' stock will not accomplish this objective. To get the tech sector bubbling again, the American people need to start clearing out all that old inventory, loading up on personal computers they don't need, DSL lines they don't want and software programs they don't even like. For the first time in history, consumers requesting four megabytes of extra memory will be able to stand just as tall as Nathan Hale and Betsy Ross. Remember: In times of financial uncertainty, shopping becomes the moral equivalent of war.

The bon vivant industry is another sector that could use a boost. On a recent trip to 11 cities, from Philadelphia to Seattle, I couldn't help noticing how much the restaurant business has been hurt by the decline in business travel. Wherever I went, there were half-filled eateries peopled by a few somber diners who were taking a pass on the pan-seared ahi and trans-Carpathian asparagus with a demure veil of honeyed prosciutto, instead opting for the humble risotto.

More disheartening, for the first time in living memory no one was going near the crème brûlée. I know it is a tough pill to swallow, but crème brûlée, certain types of Central European tortes and tiramisu all played a huge role in the economic expansion of the past decade -- so if we want to see the economy percolating again, it's time to let out a notch in our belt and tuck into the Black Forest cheesecake. A word of caution, though: Many taxpayers plan to spend their rebate in a fancy restaurant they would never ordinarily dream of visiting, so it's best to make reservations early.

Another industry getting pulverized by the economic downturn is the hotel business. Hotels are so desperate for cash that they are imposing energy surcharges and jacking up the rates on everything from room service to laundry to renting an in-suite safe. Although these hidden charges may be annoying, they also may be the only thing keeping some chains afloat. So if we are serious about turning things around in this country, the obvious remedy is to immediately take that $600 tax rebate, check into the most expensive hotel in town and clean out the minibar. Five bucks for a Snickers bar? Scarf down a half-dozen. Four bucks for a Coke? Drink a case. A king's ransom for a thimbleful of gin? Chug a quart.

Now, many Americans will view these suggestions as scattershot and counterproductive. Embittered by the tax cut, some disgruntled investors will use their checks to short troubled companies, driving the Nasdaq down even further, hoping to embarrass the Bush administration by making its largesse seem premature. Some contrarians actually may burn their rebate checks, conspiring to bring the economy to its knees, thus driving the GOP from office. And a few quislings may even resort to the hideously anti-American strategy of saving the money for a rainy day.

Well, not this Yankee Doodle Dandy! As soon as I get my hands on that $600, I'm going to behave like any red-blooded American and spend it on things I don't need. First I'll take the family to see the insipid Pearl Harbor three times. Then we're off to whichever fast-food restaurant most recently filed for Chapter 11. After that, it's box seats at Shea Stadium to cheer on the beleaguered New York Mets.

And that's not even mentioning subscriptions to imperiled magazines and purchases of books that should never have been written. Now is the time for all good citizens to come to the aid of their country -- by pumping that $1.2 trillion refund right back into the economy. The land of the free and the home of the brave didn't get that way by playing things close to the vest. In other words: If we're going down, let's at least go down spending.

Joe Queenan, whose new book is Balsamic Dreams: A Short but Self-Important History of the Baby Boomer Generation (Holt, $23), lives in Tarrytown, N.Y.

Splurge or Save?

We asked celebrities what they planned to do with their federal tax rebate check.

Star Jones, ABC's "The View": I'm investing it!

Deborah Norville, host of "Inside Edition": Most likely it will just go in the bank account, and that's what I recommend everyone else do with their refund. The temptation is to spend the money, but if you put it into a mutual fund and conservatively expect 10 percent average annual return, you'll have a lot more than whatever the government check is to spend on the future.

Kandace Krueger, Miss USA 2001: People should use the refund to treat themselves. I will probably save mine toward a vacation -- a cruise to Europe in March.

Catherine Hicks, of the WB's "Seventh Heaven": When you get your tax refund, donate half of it to charity -- I recommend Catholic Relief Services. They are in every troubled spot on the globe. With the other half, have a night on the town!

Suze Orman, author "The Road to Wealth: A Comprehensive Guide to Your Money" (Riverhead Books): If you have credit card debt, take the $300 and pay off the debt. That will save thousands of dollars in interest. If you have no credit card debt, put it in a Roth IRA or traditional IRA. If you have all the money you want, put it in an educational IRA for a child. If you have a mortgage, use it as a start to put extra toward your mortgage payment. If you have all the money you need, take the money and give it to charity. I will give mine away to Girls Inc., Books for a Better Life Award (benefits the national MS Society) and V-Day (checking/pr), Eve Ensler's group to aid violence against women."

Carrot Top, comedian: I live in California, so I''ll use my refund to buy a gallon of gas so I can take my car out for an hour on the weekend. I'll also spend a lot of money on my hair products.

Richard Hatch, "Survivor,": I'll be sending my tax refund to Horizon Bound, my teen outdoor adventure program.

Judge Glenda Hatchett of syndicated "Judge Hatchett": Whenever I get one of these little windfalls, I use a small part of it to treat myself, give a small piece of the money to charity and invest the rest. Shoes are my weakness, so I usually buy a really fabulous pair of shoes.

Lorraine Toussaint, Lifetime's "Any Day Now": Don't even think about it -- put it away, as if it doesn't even exist. Later on, use the money as a down payment on a house. If you are in a relationship with someone and you both do this you'll be in a house sooner than you realize. Sometimes, even a small amount of money can get you into the place you will eventually call home.

Craig Kilborn, CBS' "The Late, Late show with Craig Kilborn," Cash it. Spread it out on my big, fur bedspread. Spray myself with PAM and then roll around in it screaming, 'hey, I feel like 300 bucks!'