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Issue Date: November 18, 2001
My 14-year-old daughter wants to go to her first concert with her friends - no parents allowed (except, of course, for the "chauffeur service"). What is the right
age to start letting your children go to such events alone?
T.I., Oklahoma
Generally, the child should be at least 14. However, family psychologists I consulted agree that the three most important things to consider are your child's maturity, your child's friends and the type of event they are attending. (Let's face it: Alicia Keys is less likely to incite a crowd than, say, Marilyn Manson.) Specifically:
 Think about how your daughter has responded to rules, curfews and guidelines in the past, as well as whether she tends to be open with you.
Find out which friends will go to the concert, and discuss with their parents what rules they'll impose.
Do some research: Go online to find out if rioting or other problems are associated with the band's concerts, and call the venue to find out security details and an estimated time when the concert will end. Also, be sure seating is not first-come, first-served (which could create a stampede).
Be the designated pickup parent, and arrive early. That gives them less time to hang out afterward.
Once you've covered all the bases and feel a little more comfortable, don't forget to make sure your daughter understands that being able to go to future concerts and get-togethers will depend on how she handles this first one.
My dad recently died, and my wife and I decided my mom needs more care than we can provide in our home.
I feel so guilty. With so many negative stories about nursing homes in the news, we aren't sure what to do.
T.D., Kansas
Please don't feel guilty over a situation you didn't create - one that should have been dealt with by your parents before either one became ill. Consider this a learning experience that will help you plan your golden years.
The first step is to talk to your mom about this decision, gently explaining why she would be better cared for outside of your home. Assure her that you love her and that you intend to visit as often as possible and keep her an active part of your life. Then have her well diagnosed by a physician, who will inform you about the level and type of care she will need (round-the-clock nurses, social workers, etc.).
Find a place that's easily accessible to your home for visits and emergencies. Before making a commitment, thoroughly inspect the facility (including a check of its last inspection standings at www.medicare.gov), says Geri Hall, an advanced practice nurse with the University of Iowa's Center on Aging. "Look for a place that feels comfortable to visit, where the residents are engaged in activities and there's positive interaction between the staff and residents," she says.
If your mother isn't suffering from mental dysfunction, keep her actively involved in this decision process. And be prepared for some huge emotional adjustments, for both her and you.
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