Issue Date: December 2, 2001

Just what I (don't) need!

It's better to give than to receive -- and that's never more true than when you receive a present that's ... less than perfect. We asked shopping experts what to do after the wrapping paper comes off.

By Dennis McCafferty

Ahh, those well-intended but ill-conceived holiday gifts: the palate-impaired fruitcake lovingly placed in the holiday stocking, inevitably headed to the garbage can; that wretched-looking sweater from the spouse, soon to be returned; the present from a boss that only a boss could love -- a framed version of his favorite (i.e., insipid) motivational slogan.

We get a lot of unwanted gifts every year. Or gifts that go bad very quickly, if you break them. This raises an assortment of questions. To discuss the etiquette of gift getting, USA WEEKEND Magazine has reassembled last year's panel of expert shoppers: celebrity shopper Allana Baroni; Neiman Marcus holiday catalog queen Ginger Reeder; online shopping entrepreneur Hilary Billings of RedEnvelope; and author Robyn Freedman Spizman, the "Gift Guru."

Here's what they had to say:

What if you get a gift from a spouse that reflects his or her tastes, but not yours?

Reeder: You deal with it up front if you want the marriage to last. Otherwise, you'll be coming up with a hundred excuses as to why you're not wearing that gaudy piece of jewelry. And you'll keep getting that kind of gift for years.

What if you get a crummy gift from your boss?

Billings: Typically, these gifts are pens or crystal clocks. Or they're a photo of some work event he or she was thrilled about but you weren't. The solution: Find a place in your workspace where it is prominently displayed -- but where you don't have to look at it.

Is it all right to tell the gift giver you plan to exchange the present?

Spizman: Sure. You can cushion the blow by being clever. Someone gave me a very expensive breadmaker, but making bread simply isn't for me. So I bought a loaf of bread and wrote a poem to present to this person: "I'll be out of my head before I make bread. May I exchange the gift?" We both laughed so much about it -- so, of course, exchanging it was OK.

Baroni: It depends on the person. But you need to be sure about your relationship and whether exchanging the gift will do more harm than good. In Hollywood, they always feel like they have to give the very best gifts. They're looking to one-up each other with the latest and greatest. So evaluate who sent you the gift and how important that person is. If I'm getting something from Steven Spielberg, I'm sure not going to hunt down his assistant and ask for a receipt to take it back.

How do you teach your kids to graciously accept unwanted gifts from relatives?

Billings: Kids often are better at dealing with this kind of honesty than adults. My son, who's now 6, recently got such a gift from an uncle. In this case, he already had the gift that he received. My husband and I weren't going to say anything. But our son came right out with it and said: "Thank you very much, but I already have one. Maybe we can give it to a little boy who doesn't have any toys."

So if you get something you already have as a present ...

Spizman: You say that you love it but that you already have one. Then smile and tell them, "You have the best taste on Earth! Great minds think alike."

What if you immediately break a gift?

Baroni: Credit card companies often will replace an item. So call the giver and say the gift got broken in the shipping process.

Is it acceptable to "re-gift" -- take a present that was given to you, rewrap it and give it to someone else?

Reeder: If you put some thought into it. My husband gave me a pair of earrings that I only wore twice. So I'm going to give them to my mother. There's added sentimentality involved with jewelry when it's given from a daughter to a mother, or the other way around. But if you do re-gift, make sure it isn't engraved. I was present when someone got a cookbook as a gift, but it was inscribed inside to someone else. That was embarrassing.

Spizman: An enormous percentage of the population does re-gift, but giver beware: If someone gave you a signed baseball, and you don't collect sports memorabilia, don't just pass it along to someone to get rid of it and save money in the gift-giving process. Make sure it reflects their interests.

What if you get something expensive from someone, but you got this person a much cheaper present?

Baroni: Well, there's not much to do in the immediate sense. But everyone has an assistant in Hollywood, so contacting them ahead of time is one sure way to avoid the embarrassment in the future. So if I'm Eric McCormack of Will & Grace, you can bet I'm calling Debra Messing's assistant to find out what's appropriate. In the real world, moms and spouses serve the same purpose as the assistant.

What if you get a gift from someone who wasn't on your gift-giving list?

Baroni: The list of who gets what changes every year. In Hollywood, the caterers give their best gifts to their best studio clients. So what if I'm a studio publicist and Wolfgang Puck gives me a gift and I forgot to give him one? You can always give a "Happy New Year" gift and then make sure they're on the list next time around.

If Aunt Sarah gave you cash to buy that special jacket, is it OK to blow it on concert tickets instead?

Reeder: Yes. But you owe a thank-you note, along with an explanation of what you did. If you took a friend to that concert, for example, include a picture of the two of you there. That way, you're sharing the experience with the giver.

Can you "re-gift" cash?

Reeder: Sure. But if you're that lacking in imagination, I pity you.