Issue Date: November 10, 2002
More than friends?
Buddies one week, lovers the next. It could happen to you. Here's what to watch out for.
Ever wonder just how true to life NBC's popular "Friends" characters are? Between the six buddies, two have married, two others have been in an off-and-on relationship resulting in a baby, and another found himself in love with the new mom. Consider this: In a recent survey by the online dating service Match.com, several thousand people were asked if they'd ever had a platonic friendship that crossed over to romance; more than 62% reported they had indeed.
When you consider the many people who have close friendships that remain happily platonic, it makes you wonder: When friends turn into lovers, is it because there was an unconscious, underlying attraction all along? Psychiatrist Norman Rosenthal, author of "The Emotional Revolution", says friendships -- same-sex or opposite -- usually involve a certain amount of attraction. Sometimes, an underlying sexual spark leads to marriage, as with "Friends"' Monica and Chandler.
Unfortunately, if that spark ends up sputtering and the romance fails, getting back to the original friendship will take a lot of work -- unless the couple has a "Friends"-like gang of buddies. "If they are part of a core group, the transition back to friendship is easier," Rosenthal says. "The odds of getting back to romance, however, are about 10 to 1." (Bad news for Ross-and-Rachel fans!)
So, if attraction is a factor in becoming friends, does that mean we should worry about our significant other's friendships with the opposite sex? Should Monica watch her back to make sure Phoebe doesn't make a play for Chandler, for example?
Fortunately, Rosenthal says, as long as the relationship is happy and fulfilling, there's no need to worry about opposite-sex friendships.
And even when a relationship seems solid, don't get complacent. Just the way Joey moved in on Rachel when Ross became emotionally unavailable, friends can move in on your mate when you hit a relationship rut. If you want to make sure the friendship your partner has is strictly spark-free, keep an eye out for the following warning signs:
Your honey never invites you to come along when going out with that friend, and they spend more time together than you two do.
The friend never calls the house (only at work or on your partner's cellphone).
Your mate starts telling you what this friend thinks of a personal problem with which you two have been dealing.
The friendship makes you very uncomfortable.
Spotted one or more of those signs? Then it's time to do some talking and let your partner know how you feel. Unless he or she is looking to change or end your relationship, your loved one will take heed and change the way the friendship is conducted.
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