Issue Date: November 24, 2002
Our father suffered a stroke last year and can no longer talk or think coherently. Now Mom is being reckless with their money! My sister and I (ages 29 and 32) are worried Mom won't have anything left for their future. Do we have the right to stop her spending?
L.B., Virginia
Unless your mother is showing signs of dementia, in which case you should consult a doctor, this situation calls for kindness and compassion, not a lawyer.
According to Brewster, N.Y., psychologist Michael Nuccitelli, you must try to understand what your mother is going through. "Essentially, your mother just lost her life partner and best friend. Her spending could be a result of trying to fill up the emptiness she feels," he says.
Once you realize her buying sprees are less about acquiring things and more about feeling better, approach her in a gentle, caring way. Acknowledge how difficult things have been for her. Then address your concerns about your parents' financial future. But be prepared: Her initial response may be anger and resentment over the kids telling her how to spend her money. If so, don't push. In time, she may take heed and slow down her spending. If nothing changes, approach her again in a month or so. Explain your concerns over issues such as long-term care for Dad, living situations, etc. Tell her you love her, adding, "We know you love us and don't want us to have to worry about taking care of you and Dad."
Finally, become more active participants in her life. "Make an effort to visit, help her take care of Dad and find some activities you can share that don't have anything to do with shopping," Nuccitelli says. Spending quality time with family may be just what your mother needs to curb her spending habits.
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