Issue Date: December 29, 2002
Advice for Ozz
Can anyone possibly help America's most dysfunctional family? Nine USA WEEKEND contributors offer the Osbournes their expert advice for 2003.
"Don't give the kids handouts"
By Jean Sherman Chatzky, MoneySmart columnist
It's clear Ozzy and Sharon don't have the same money problems as most people -- that is to say, they're not lacking it. The couple's net worth was pegged at $65 million before they signed on with MTV for another 20 episodes for an estimated $20 million.
They also don't have the same money problems as many celebrities: They don't seem to be blowing through it faster than they're bringing it in, despite Sharon's love for shopping (she called Christmas "another reason for me to go shopping!").
But as in all families, the kids' futures are of concern.
You get the feeling Sharon is a disciple of the "Die Broke" philosophy. "I don't want to be the richest person in the graveyard," she has said. "I don't want to regret anything. I don't want to wait. I want to taste it, live it ... eat it all now." If she consumes all the wealth, her brood may be forced to make it on their own financially. But these kids are in the habit of asking for -- and receiving -- big handouts for a night on the town. A better idea: Give them a set amount of spending money and require them to manage it on their own.
If Ozzy's frequent health problems didn't drive the couple to create a comprehensive estate plan, Sharon's cancer should. They absolutely need a will and several trusts, says Mike Palermo, a Lexington, Ky., estate-planning attorney. To provide for his two adult children from an earlier marriage, Ozzy needs a QTIP (qualified terminable interest property) trust. If he dies before Sharon, part of his estate moves to this trust. Sharon can access the income, but after she dies, the principal passes to his older kids.
Next, because their kids are young and unpredictable, Ozzy and Sharon should consider putting a good amount of money into trusts to keep Kelly and Jack from getting their hands on it until they're old enough to make wise decisions (30 at the earliest). The Osbourne parentals may even decide the kids should never have all that wealth. A trust can provide income for the kids during their lives but send the principal to charity. Finally, Ozzy and Sharon might want to look into a dynasty trust to provide income for generations to come. A dynasty trust -- Sharon probably would like the sound of that.
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"Let sports replace bars"
by Stephanie Oakes, FitSmart columnist
Jack and Kelly could use a stint in boot camp. They're disrespectful to their parents and need a higher power (a drill sergeant?) to whip them into shape. Then I'd get them into team sports to learn to hang out somewhere besides bars and clubs.
It's great that Ozzy rides his exercise bike, but he won't get fit that way. Considering his age and lifestyle (road trips, concerts, addiction recovery), I suggest he do a variety of aerobics, such as brisk walking, swimming or running. Start with three exercise sessions a week, then gradually increase to five or six a week. Then increase intensity and add strength and flexibility training. Bottom line: Ozzy needs a personal trainer on the road!
Sharon's cancer treatment and recovery will alter her natural high energy. To maintain her physical, mental and emotional well-being, I suggest one-on-one yoga sessions in a peaceful place. Also, she should use Ozzy's stationary bike 30 minutes, five days a week, while watching tapes of cancer survivor Lance Armstrong winning the Tour de France.
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"Buy a remote control"
By Jim Louderback, TechSmart columnist
Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy. Why can't you embrace technology as you do the devil? Technology really can help make your life better.
Let's start with those annoyingly noisy neighbors. Stop throwing planks and hams over the fence at them, and just put in some high-tech windows. The latest ones will block the sound of a freight train, so they must be able to muffle the Temptations or the poinging of tennis balls.
Want to stop those nine annoying dogs from taking, well, liberties wherever they choose? Get wireless dog collars! Then you can zap them individually when they piddle or set up an invisible wall around the living room to keep them all out.
And your daughter Kelly? You trust her with those credit cards? If I were you, I'd make her use one you can refill with money via the Internet -- or even better, one with a smart chip inside that holds a PIN number, like your ATM card. Then, if she loses it, you won't end up out of money.
Do you ever worry where she's driving? Or how fast? Now you can put a black box in the car, just like in an airplane, that records exactly where she goes, how fast she drives and how hard she takes corners. It'll even start making an annoying noise if she exceeds the speed limit.
Finally, let's talk about that entertainment center that defies all your remote controls. You need one of those newfangled computerized remote controls that combine all the codes into a single button. Just press one, and the TV turns on and the DVD plays. Press another, and your satellite TV is ready to go.
Tell you what: I'll even come over and program the remote for you. At least then you'll have real control over some small part of your life.
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"Keep your family values"
By Dennie Hughes, RelationTips columnist
Sharon and Ozzy, beware! There may be talk that the strong, supportive family stuff is getting old. Once the network brass -- a force more evil than the Prince of Bleeping Darkness --starts comparing you to degrading rags like The Anna Nicole Show (titillating tales of a screwed-up sexpot who embarrasses her teen son) or the ratings-buster The Bachelor (titillating tales of sexy single women who embarrass themselves to win an engagement ring), they may demand more shock value.
My RelationTip? Tell 'em to bleep off. America enjoys tuning in to see your two-decade love affair, Kelly's confusing ride from childhood to teen pop star and Jack's touching embarrassment when he overhears Mum and Dad discussing sex.
Unconventional? You bet. But so are many families, and that's why we relate. As you renew your vows and face a New Year, know we're cheering on (and wishing for ourselves) a loving family unit that can face life's challenges together.
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"Look reality in the face"
By Drew Pinsky, M.D., "Ask Dr. Drew" columnist
Like everyone else, I love the Osbournes. We love that they love each other, and we see they share a genuine intimacy. That's the good news.
As parents, they blur the parent/child roles sometimes, trying too hard to be "buddy-buddy" with their kids. Rather than setting firm boundaries, Ozzy's usual strategy is to say, "Hey, look how screwed up I am! Do you want to be like me?" The kids think, "You're fine. You're rich. You're having a good time. Maybe I do want to be like you." The more difficult work of parenting is setting boundaries and withholding things that might be gratifying.
I'm concerned that Ozzy is only a partially treated addict, so you see typical addictive family dynamics, like denial and secret-keeping. They are in denial, for example, about the seriousness of Sharon's illness. And now, he and Sharon are renewing their wedding vows on New Year's Eve -- which to me is really an attempt at denying reality: "If we declare before God and everyone that we will be together forever, then it will be so." I wish them the best and encourage Ozzy once and for all to actually address his addiction.
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"Have cleanser handy"
By Lou Manfredini, HouseSmart columnist
Hey, Ozzy: Considering that you're the Prince of Darkness, I have to say your home has very good lighting. It's also gorgeous, right down to the Orientals. But there is a terrible problem developing in terms of household management. It concerns the habits, so to speak, of your menagerie. I can't tell you how to house-train them, but I can tell you what to do for the stains. First, get a mini-steam cleaner to preserve the carpets. Then go to a pet store and buy an enzyme-containing cleanser to neutralize the stench. You need to do this even if the stain is on stone or tile floors, because those surfaces are absorbent. Normally this cleanser comes in a little squirt bottle, but bearing in mind the scope of your problem, I recommend getting an industrial-strength size you can strap on like a backpack. You could put it on in the morning and carry it around all day.
On another note, I love the pantry you have in your kitchen. It's very old-fashioned and Ozzie-and-Harriet, but sometimes tradition holds the solution to modern troubles. Who knows? Maybe you'll start a household trend.
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"Keep that positive attitude"
By Tedd Mitchell, M.D., HealthSmart columnist
Growing up in Texas, I never was an Ozzy Osbourne fan. The entertainment value of urinating on the Alamo in San Antonio was lost on me.
But because Ozzy insisted Sharon have colon cancer screening, and because he led by example, she acquiesced and underwent a procedure that may have saved her life. Colon cancer is the No. 2 cause of cancer deaths (for men and women both) and must be taken seriously. At the Cooper Clinic in Dallas, where I direct the Wellness Program, we start simple colon cancer screenings at age 40, but by age 50 we recommend people undergo full exams, such as the colonoscopies performed on the Osbournes.
Very importantly, Sharon has shown a trait that is absolutely helpful: keeping a positive mental outlook. She has been through a lot. Handling stress is second nature to her. If anyone can handle cancer, she can!
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"Give the dogs a litter box"
By Steve Dale, pets writer
It's hopeless to expect the Osbourne family to actually teach housebreaking. A professional dog walker might be helpful, but I have a better idea: The Osbourne dogs are pint-sized (except Lola, the English bulldog), so they're perfectly suited for litter-box training. And the Osbournes know about litter boxes; after all, Sharon proudly states that Puss the cat doesn't have accidents. The dogs can continue going as they darn please, but now they'll have appropriate places to do it. (Purina makes an all-you-need package, including SecondNature dog litter, a litter box for dogs and a how-to-train manual.)
As for Lola: I realize rules aren't big in this household, but without them she'll never know snacking on furniture is not acceptable. She also needs suitable toys. Perhaps the Osbournes can market a Lola doggy toy to go along with the Lola action figures.
The Osbournes adore their pets. Sharon and Minnie the Pomeranian celebrate a special bond that will intensify as Sharon recovers from cancer. All the dogs will lift Sharon's spirits, but if she lets Minnie help, the dog will be one prescription that has no side effects.
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"Take brain nutrients"
By Jean Carper, EatSmart columnist
Decades of drug use have fuzzed Ozzy's aging brain, but I suggest he pop even more pills -- good nutritional supplements. Luckily, our brains are ever-changing organs. Chemicals in foods and supplements can improve the structure of individual brain cells and the efficiency of their communication centers so messages are transmitted more clearly and quickly. Research shows the following may improve brain functioning in older adults: a multivitamin; 400 IUs vitamin E; 500 milligrams vitamin C; 50mg lipoic acid; 650mg omega-3 (DHA and EPA) in capsules; and 120 to 240mg of ginkgo biloba. And science says fruits and vegetables also may help prevent brain decline.
Illustration by Elizabeth Lada for USA WEEKEND
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If you've been in a bleeping cave
TV's biggest out-of-the-box hit in 2002 was MTV's The Osbournes, 30 minutes of a real family's life. The Emmy-winning show's second season tracks:
- Dad Ozzy, 54. The Ozzfest star and former bat-biting, Alamo-urinating, heavy metal Black Sabbath singer.
- Mom Sharon, 50. Fiercely protective of Ozzy's career and her brood. Diagnosed with colon cancer in July; by last month, no traces found in blood tests.
- Daughter Kelly, 18. Pop hit with Papa Don't Preach remake; new album is titled Shut Up. (Another daughter, Aimee, 19, doesn't appear on the show.)
- Son Jack, 17. A high school dropout (like the rest of the family), he works as an Epic Records talent scout.
Coming up
- New Year's Eve: Ozzy and Sharon plan to renew their wedding vows; they married 20 years ago.
- Jan. 13: The family hosts the American Music Awards.
- Next fall: Sharon aims to launch her own talk show.
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