Issue Date: February 16, 2003
Is it normal for a guy to feel uncomfortable about his wife getting regular massages from a male therapist at a health-club facility?
B.R., Michigan
Absolutely! Let's face it: Even though more men than ever partake of "feel good" services like massages, manicures and even facials, many guys still relate massages to seedy, sleazy joints where "sextras" are available for a fee.
Want to feel less tense about your wife's relaxing massages? Start by listing all the reasons they bother you. Then, in a non-confrontational way, address your concerns with her. If your reasons include red-flag behavior -- your wife calls or socializes with Mr. Masseur outside of their scheduled appointments, or she never encourages you to try out his services -- then your discomfort may be justified. If so, be prepared for some serious relationship re-evaluation down the road.
Perhaps you feel uncomfortable because you've actually had one of those illicit massage-parlor experiences, or you're insecure because you've never met this guy who rubs your wife's back. Make yourself feel better by stopping by to pick her up after a massage to meet him. Or ask her to schedule a session for you and see how she responds. Who knows? You may enjoy it enough to end up becoming a regular yourself.
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I was engaged at age 22 but realized before the wedding that he was not the guy for me, so I called everything off. Now, five years later, I'm engaged again. My question is, do I have to ask all the same girls to be bridesmaids? Simply put, I'm no longer really close with them, and I've developed wonderful friendships with some new women. I also feel guilty because I was a bridesmaid for one of those girls a few years ago. What should I do?
N.N., Georgia
Congratulations on your new relationship, as well as your past decision not to go through with a wedding that didn't feel right.
Here's the good news: Wedding expert Carley Roney, who founded the wedding-planning Web site TheKnot.com, says there are no "proper bridesmaid etiquette" rules. That means you don't need to worry about breaching any kind of etiquette laws.
There are no "bridesmaid etiquette" rules, so pick whomever you want.
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Keeping with today's trends also can let you off the hook. "It's very fashionable right now to keep bridal parties small and intimate," Roney says. If you're concerned about keeping a friendly relationship with some of your more sensitive ex-bridesmaids (or female relatives!), ask them to get involved in other ways, such as by coming up with a special toast or giving a reading.
If you still feel guilty, remind yourself that in these difficult economic times, you've just let these women off the hook. Being a bridesmaid can be a very expensive proposition.
Whatever you decide, trust your own gut instinct and sense of what feels right. You have a track record for knowing when to say no to a bad situation and discovering what is right for you.
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