Issue Date: February 23, 2003
I'm madly in love with my husband of six years. The thing is, I'm also in love with a co-worker with whom I've been having an affair for eight months. I feel terrible about what I'm doing, but I can't picture life without either one of them. How is it possible to love two people so much at the same time?
N.I., Texas
Love is a natural response to someone who makes you feel amazing and fulfilled, and it's totally possible for more than one person to make you feel that way. Being married, though, means you need to set limits.
According to psychologist Willard Harley Jr., the author of "Fall in Love, Stay in Love", extramarital affairs usually start when people have needs that are left unfulfilled by their spouse. If these men in your life are meeting very different needs (e.g., your husband gives you affection and security, while your lover provides admiration and sexual gratification), it's natural to feel as if it's impossible to walk away from either man.
However, if you truly love your husband -- the man you vowed to love, honor and cherish -- then it's time to end the cheating and fix the relationship you committed to so it does fulfill your needs. "The most painful thing you can do to a spouse is have an affair," Harley says. "We're all wired to have affairs and fall in love with others, [but] we don't, because real, mature love is about making choices that don't hurt the other person."
Although you may be tempted to break things off quietly, Harley advises that you come clean with your husband, ask for forgiveness and seek counseling to save the relationship.
You vowed to honor and cherish your husband. So end your affair -- now.
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