Issue Date: April 20, 2003
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My wife and I are thinking about having a child. Being in our early 40s, we're pretty certain we'll have the time and energy for only one. However, having both come from large families, we wonder: How true are the stereotypes that "onlys" have problems adjusting to social situations and often are selfish and unappreciative?
W.S., Ohio
If you think about people you know who are self-absorbed or antisocial, I bet you'll find many of them actually grew up with siblings.
Knowing the basics of sharing, caring, respect and sensitivity to others' needs is based on what you're taught, not on the number of siblings you have. Although there was a time when having sisters and brothers was the only way kids could learn about interacting with others (families often lived far apart), today it's easy for kids to get together with others for play dates. Today's trend toward smaller families (driven by economics; time-constrained, dual-career parents; and people starting families later in life) also means your child will find lots of other "onlys" to whom he or she can relate.
Psychologist Susan Newman, the author of "Parenting an Only Child", says the most important thing "only" parents have to watch out for is their own behavior, not the child's. They need to guard against getting too involved in every aspect of the child's life. "Lavishing 100% of your attention on your child ends up overwhelming him or her," she says.
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More tips for rearing only children
Lower your expectations. Parents who have "all their eggs in one basket" often expect too much and push too hard, Newman says. Be realistic about your child's limitations, and don't encourage him to be the best, just the best he can be.
Don't focus on "oneness." Parents who grew up in large families shouldn't dwell on their own child's lack of siblings, Newman says. In studies where hundreds of only children are asked how they feel about being an only child, almost all say they don't think about it.
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How do I convince my wife that, in these tough financial times, it would help if she got a job? She claims our kids aren't old enough (14 and 12) to be on their own. I've asked the kids what they think, and they are completely OK with the idea.
D.I., Kentucky
If you want to convince your wife, then stop consulting your kids and start talking to her. The last thing you want to do is give your kids the power to make decisions on how to run your household and make your wife feel her views aren't important.
She makes a valid point, actually. Although the economy is bad right now, the statistics for teens and preteens finding trouble when left unsupervised are worse. According to Charles Fay, a psychologist at the Love and Logic Institute in Golden, Colo., "crime and passion" among youths peaks between the after-school hours of 3 and 6 p.m. "Being old enough to feed themselves doesn't mean they're mature enough to make wise decisions," Fay says.
The first thing you and your wife should do is seek out a financial planner who can help you find ways to cut your expenses and come up with a better budget plan. (A not-for-profit group like Consumer Counseling Centers of America is a reliable, affordable place to start.) If the money situation is truly bad enough to require an extra income, try looking into at-home or morning part-time jobs so your wife can be home with the children. If a full-time day job is the only solution (and you don't have a trusted relative or neighbor nearby who can help), consider getting the kids into a supervised after-school program or the local Boys and Girls Club.
Once you and your wife have made a decision you can live with, only then discuss it with the kids so they can voice concerns and questions they may have about what the future holds.
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