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Issue Date: April 20, 2003
Boys are from Mars, girls are from Venus
Differences in attitudes between the sexes start early. A best-selling author explores our survey results.
By John Gray
The teen stars on our cover, from left: Gregory Smith, 19 (WB's "Everwood"), Kaley Cuoco, 17 (ABC's "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter"), and Jennifer Freeman, 17 (ABC's "My Wife and Kids"). They compare notes, below.
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As the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", I've built a reputation on the premise that the sexes communicate with each other as if they came from different planets. In the latest teen survey conducted by USA Weekend, I think we see proof that we don't become different over the years, but rather we start out that way.
That said, it would be reasonable to assume that teen boys and girls differ on their approaches to friendship, dating and where to seek advice. Teens, despite the fact that you live together here on planet Earth, go to the same schools and share many similar experiences, your answers to the magazine's Teens & The Opposite Sex survey bear this out.
Attraction: The eyes have it
The results of the survey show that girls and guys agree on one thing: The majority of teens (56% of boys and 79% of girls) believe a person's looks are what first catches the attention of the opposite sex. Although looks do play a part in the game of attraction, guys are more likely to admit it. Do girls go for personality over looks? Thirty-six percent said they do, even though guys are skeptical about that.
Why the disparity between what girls claim and what guys believe? Because boys know physical attraction is very important to them, so they naturally assume girls feel the same way.
For many guys, love begins with the eye, but for many girls, it begins in the heart. That's not something that will go out of style. It's simply how we are wired by nature.
Teens, your personality works to your best advantage if you remember this cardinal rule: Be yourself. Sure, doing something goofy or dangerous or silly or cruel may get you noticed -- but for all the wrong reasons. So don't try to be something or someone else just because you assume that is what others are looking for. Shakespeare said it best: "To thine own self be true." That way, you'll attract the right person, for all the right reasons.
Advice: Most Teens turn to their friends
Fully half of girls and 34% of guys get advice on the opposite sex from their friends. Almost a quarter of boys keep to themselves on this issue. No surprise there: Guys are notorious for banging their heads against walls before getting wise and opening up on the issue of love.
Getting information is one thing; deciding whether to use it is another. How can any teen know what is the right or wrong thing to do? Here's a suggestion: No matter who gives you the advice, remember that the final decision is yours to make, so do what you know in your heart is right. If it turns out you've chosen the wrong approach, well, it may be difficult to accept at first, but don't let it get you down. The truth is, we all make mistakes. Just take whatever lessons you learned from the experience and keep them in mind for the next relationship.
Friends: The opposite sex isn't just for dating anymore
One way in which girls and guys are in sync is how they choose their friends. According to the survey, more than 90% of teens are gender blind and realize it's possible to have good friends of the opposite sex.
Despite having a mix of friends, it's not surprising that 53% of boys -- and almost half of girls -- find it more difficult to relate to friends of the opposite sex. Why? It's simple: No one wants to blow a new relationship by doing or saying the wrong thing -- even when you are "just friends." As time goes on, the relationship may take a different, perhaps romantic, path.
Teens, to keep your options open, consider these two tips:
Treat all friends -- male and female -- with the same respect and appreciation you'd like to get from them.
When having an open discussion, don't be afraid to tell it like it is. At the same time, remember that words can hurt as well as inspire, so choose your words carefully.
Hanging out: vs. pairing off
On Saturday night, 49% of guys and 64% of girls prefer to hang out with friends of both sexes. The concept of pairing off into couples is still new to a lot of teens, and a number of them said they were jealous when their friends started dating before them.
Does this kind of jealousy mean teens are insecure? Not at all. In the race toward adulthood, no one likes to be left behind. When it seems as if our friends are moving at warp speed toward romance, it's natural to feel a bit jealous, but don't let that get in the way of friendship. Keep these points in mind:
Everyone grows, emotionally and physically, at his or her own pace. You can't rush the process. However, you can prepare yourself for the experience. Knowledge is power, so don't be afraid to ask questions.
You love your friends, and they love you, so be happy for them. Friendship is demonstrated by actions, not words. Sticking by her side as a friend is going through changes will ensure she does the same when it's your turn.
As we grow, sometimes we also grow apart, and that's OK. Sometimes our life journey takes us out of familiar territory. If it turns out that your friend goes in a different direction from one you feel comfortable taking, that's all right. You don't necessarily have to follow. It doesn't mean your paths won't cross again sometime in the future.
Dating: Who Makes the first move?
Another way in which girls and guys think alike is that both agree there's nothing wrong with girls call-ing guys: More than 80% of them say it's acceptable for a girl to ask a guy out. Still, if a girl is interested in a guy and prefers that he do the asking, what can she say to encourage him? Try this phrase: "There's so much happening this weekend. Are you going to the [mall, dance, ballgame]?" After he answers, respond with: "I was thinking of going, too."
Now pause. This gives him the time to put two and two together. If he's interested, he'll come up with the right response. Just give him time. When it comes to matters of the heart, boys are not known for being fast talkers.
Sex: Consider your reputation
That brings us to the topic of sex. Many teens think less of girls who have had sex than of guys who have had sex. Is this fair? No way. But this fact should make teen girls pause to consider whether sacrificing their reputation for a sexual experience is something they really want to do.
Teens, to help you make up your mind about sex, ask yourself these questions: Have the two of you been dating long enough to feel lasting emotions toward each other? If so, have you considered the long-term consequences of intimacy? After all, if you split up, having had sex may make the heartache far worse. Also, was the suggestion to have sex made on the spur of the moment, with no consideration of what your feelings might be afterward? And if you do choose that route, will either of you use contraception?
Answering "no" to any of those questions is proof positive that you are not ready for this experience at this time in your life. You should never feel you have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
The survey's conclusion: You are smart guys and gals ... and that should make all teens proud. Being a teen isn't easy. Never in our history have teens had as much stress as they do today. The pressure to succeed that school and society place on you has never been more intense. This survey, however, shows that today's teenagers may be wiser about the opposite sex than their parents or grandparents were when they were young.
Our differences are part of our nature. Still, with the knowledge that you'll carry forward into and through your adult years, your generation will have a better chance than any that has preceded you to grow together in understanding and in love.
John Gray, a family therapist who lives near San Francisco, also is the author of "Children Are From Heaven".
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Young celebs split on our survey, too
As the old saying goes, "Girls will be girls, and boys will be boys." Regardless of age or planet of origin, they just think differently.
Take our cover models: Kaley Cuoco, who plays Bridget Hennessy on ABC's "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter"; Gregory Smith, also known as Ephram Brown on WB's "Everwood"; and Jennifer Freeman, who plays Claire Kyle on ABC's "My Wife and Kids". When they took our survey, Kaley and Jennifer chatted up a storm and agreed on most of their answers, but Gregory begged to differ -- greatly. His best friend is a girl, and he insists their relationship is totally platonic. Kaley and Jennifer can't believe it. "Are you sure she doesn't like you?" Jennifer quizzes. "She might have a crush on you." There's no way a guy and a girl can be just friends, Kaley adds: "I wish it wasn't true, because I hang out with a lot of guys. I just think it never turns out to be platonic." To be sure, Gregory relates to his female friend differently from the way he relates to guys: "She's a girl, so I'm not going to [belch] in her face or anything."
Kaley once became jealous when a guy friend started dating. "Not that I wanted to go out with him," she says. "I just missed hanging out." But Jennifer was attracted to a guy friend. "He didn't like me" that way, she says. "He started dating someone else and talking about other girls. I was mad! But he didn't know I liked him."
Which quality in the opposite sex first catches their attention? Our results showed both guys and girls first consider looks, but Gregory insists personality is No. 1 with him. Kaley argues: "If you see someone across the room, you go, 'He's hot.' You don't go, 'I bet he's a nice guy.' It is always how they look." Jennifer chimes in, "After you know they're fine, you look for personality." Kaley adds, "Then you want someone funny."
More than three-quarters of teens agreed it's OK for a girl to ask a guy out. "I am 100% OK with that," Kaley says. "I'm practically a guy. I ask guys out myself. I am very forward." Bashful guys like Gregory like it that way. "If girls didn't ask me out," he says, "I would have never gone on a date." Of course, these teens' schedules allow little time for dating. A typical Saturday night for Gregory consists of "just hanging out by myself." Jennifer, on the other hand, enjoys "going to the movies and pigging out with my girlfriends."
They just think differently.
-- Tameka L. Hicks
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Our teen winners
Last fall, USA WEEKEND Magazine and "YM Magazine" created the Teens & The Opposite Sex survey, along with our partners, YouthNOISE and "Loveline", a nationally syndicated live call-in radio advice show.
Four lucky teens who took our survey won prizes. We selected two guest editors -- Megan Franklin, 17, a junior at Lincoln (Neb.) Southwest High School, and Jay Steinau, 17, a junior at Walnut Hills High School in Cincinnati -- to spend two days in our McLean, Va., offices reviewing surveys and fact-checking our cover story.
As our teen editors looked over the surveys, they came up with a question of their own: What really attracts guys and girls as friends? Megan and Jay agree that all friends really need are similar interests. What are our teen editors' interests? Jay enjoys shopping and talking on the phone; he plans to study psychology or business in college. Megan, who likes to shop and hang out, is contemplating a career in computer technology or journalism.
Megan Hewitt, a junior a Bartram Trail High School in Jacksonville, Fla., won a trip to a concert (with a friend) from "YM". "YM" is Your Magazine, a sourcebook for beauty, boys, stars and style.
Carlos Jackson, a ninth-grader at Florence (S.C.) Alternative School, won a Nintendo Gamecube and two games from YouthNOISE (youthNOISE.com), a Web site that inspires teens to learn about issues affecting their generation.
USA WEEKEND's Tameka Hicks, center, explains to teen editors Jay Steinau and Megan Franklin how this issue of the magazine is put together.
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He said, she said
"YM Magazine" asked the girls on its "YM" S.P.Y. (Sophisticated oPinionated Youth) panel to weigh in on our survey. U30 Group, a marketing research firm that specializes in the teen market, recruited more than 200 girls to be on the "YM" S.P.Y. panel. The girls are always ready to share honest opinions about anything and everything. Here, some of them, plus a few guys who took our survey, go head-to-head on questions we posed this year.
From whom do you seek advice about the opposite sex?
My sister and my friends, because I feel most comfortable speaking with them. They're going through the same situations I am, and they won't judge me if I need help.
Claire, 17, New York City
Either my girlfriend or my mom. My girlfriend and I are really close. My dad gives me good advice on my girlfriend. My mom usually says, "Go ask your dad."
Brian, 16, Plano, Texas
Do you think it's possible to have a good friend of the opposite sex?
I have several close male friends. It's easier to talk with my guy friends, because generally they're not as quick to judge or as critical as my girlfriends. My male friends are good listeners and are not so concerned with their body image and appearance, so I don't feel pressured to impress them.
Joanna, 17, New York City
Yes. I have a couple. I watch what I say a bit more around girls, because what I joke about with my male friends isn't appropriate in front of them. Just some offensive jokes, like sex jokes. I stay away from those.
Frank, 17, Princeton, W.Va.
Is it OK for girls to ask guys out?
Just because a guy's shy doesn't mean a girl should have to wait for him to come around. These stereotypes we have for men and women and their roles in relationships are so outdated. Lauren, 17, San Francisco
Oh, yeah. It's a new day and time. I have no problem with that at all.
Deondre, 17, Holt, Mich.
Photograph by Robert Sebree for USA WEEKEND
Clothing on cover: Cuoco's top by Parkinson, bracelets by Miss Lizzie, shoes by Petra Zillia; Freeman's top by Maggie Barry Collection, pants and shoes by Petra Zillia, necklace by Wendy Brigode, bracelets by Hillary Dulien; Smith's shirts by Diesel, jeans by Energie.
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