Issue Date: June 22, 2003
I am 38, divorced, and have always had a difficult time meeting women. Which is my best avenue for venturing into the dating world: Internet dating; "speed dating," where you meet different people and get three minutes to talk to them; or a video dating service?
J.M., Sacramento
The best way to potential mates is through your friends.
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The true "best avenue" is to meet people through your own social networks. When you meet people through friends, there's a reliable screening procedure already in place. When you meet people out of the blue, for all you know they're felons.
Finding ways to meet other singles can be so overwhelming and awkward that many just give up and stay home. Dating services create an efficient way to get past that barrier. I'm very much in favor of them, but people need to learn how to use them.
First, make sure you're not confusing "Internet dating" with "meeting people online." The latter -- in chat rooms, for instance -- is dangerous and should be avoided.
In my experience, single people past their 20s seem most satisfied with Internet dating services. Speed dating can be fun and exciting, but it doesn't tend to fit the needs of people your age, who know more what they are looking for. You're probably less interested in "dating" than in finding someone with whom you can spend your life.
A negative side of all these services, especially speed dating, is that they distill the whole process down to attraction. Attraction is often the unhealthiest part of one person being drawn to the unhealthiest part of another, so it might not be worth trusting. And it's unrealistic to think that you can form a reliable impression of someone in three minutes.
There needs to be some attraction in order to have passion. But I would hope you're willing to look a little further. Real relationships often emerge from very surprising places.
Contributing Editor Drew Pinsky, M.D., is co-host of the radio show "Loveline".
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