Issue Date: November 2, 2003

PETS

Moving on

The grieving period is different for everyone, but experts say you'll know when you're ready for a new companion.
By Steve Dale

Losing a pet is difficult. Almost as tough is figuring out when the time is right to add a new animal to take the late one's place.

"There is nothing in this world more difficult than a parent losing a child," says Brooklyn, N.Y.-based psychologist Wallace Sife, founder of the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement. "To millions, their pet is their child. Obviously, parents rarely seek to adopt a new child when they lose one. Yet pet owners generally yearn to replace pets. Never underestimate the difficulty and emotional impact of this decision."

Carolyn Butler, curriculum coordinator at the Argus Institute at Colorado State University College of Veterinary Medicine, which trains veterinary professionals to meet the emotional needs of pet owners, says that "there's no correct formula about when to bring another pet into the home. For some people, moving very quickly to get another pet seems to work. However, it's best to wait until all family members have had appropriate time to grieve. That time frame varies, since we all grieve so differently, but getting another pet that same day or as soon as a week after the pet dies is generally too soon."

So how do you know when you're ready for a new furry or feathered friend? "What we grieve are relationships," says Sife, the author of "The Loss of a Pet". "When you feel you're getting over the relationship [with the pet who died] and are ready to start another, you probably are ready."

How can you gauge when children are ready? "Odds are that if you're ready, your children are," Butler adds. "As long as you've given children appropriate outlets for their grief, they're generally more resilient than adults."

And when you start the process of bringing in a new pet, Butler advises: "The first message for children is that you're not replacing Fluffy. They might think that if you can replace a dog or a cat, they can be replaced, too. Instead, explain this is an all-new member of the family."

Children should be part of the discussion about what the new pet will be, but ultimately, it's the adult votes that count. "A child may be convinced that a Great Dane is a great dog," Butler says. "A Great Dane is a great dog, but not if you happen to live in a studio apartment."

Summer is the best time to integrate a new pet into the family, because the kids are home. "We want the children to take some responsibility for the pet, and that's much more practical when they're not in school," Butler notes.

At least kids can tell you how they feel. But what about four-legged family members? "Surviving pets might grieve," says Myrna Milani, a veterinarian in Charlestown, N.H., and the author of "Preparing for the Loss of Your Pet". "Also, a dog's position in the family pack may change."

Milani adds: "Then again, in truth, the death of one pet might be a good thing for existing pets. Consider the death of one of two cats who never did get along: The surviving cat will have less stress and can selfishly enjoy 100% of the family's love."

Of course, you can't ask surviving pets if they're at a point in their grief where they're ready to welcome a new member of the household. "You know your pets best," Milani says.

There's nothing wrong with matching the attributes of a specific breed with your lifestyle and taste, Butler says. Many people go a lifetime with only Newfoundlands or Siamese cats as pets. But your existing pets may not appreciate it if you introduce a look-alike pet. Milani says, "If you have a household with three boxers and one dies, I'd suggest a Pomeranian or a pug -- any dog that is not boxer-like and therefore isn't as likely to be a threat."

The worst thing you can do is to expect to actually replace one pet with another. "Just as you'd never replace Uncle Joe or any other member of the family," Sife says, "you can't ever really replace a pet who has passed away. We get into trouble when we expect to replace them."

Amy Heggie, a librarian in Bath, Maine, concedes that after the loss of Digby, a Labrador/Australian shepherd mix who was "the love of my life," she nearly doomed her new dog -- Archie, a 4-year-old schnauzer mix. "I anticipated Archie to step up to Digby's place in my home and heart," she says. "I expected Archie to be the same as Digby. Of course, he wouldn't. He couldn't."

Sife says: " 'Replacement' is a bad word, because you'll never replace a pet who passes away. You'll never really lose that ache in your heart. But what's nice is the possibility of opening your heart to a new friend."

Contributing Editor Steve Dale is USA WEEKEND Magazine's pet expert. For more information on pet loss and pet replacement, check out aplb.org or www.argusinstitute.colostate.edu.