Issue Date: November 23, 2003

BEHAVIOR

Creative complaining

Feel free to gripe -- but do it right. You might find a solution, or at least a little sympathy.

By Jamie Malanowski

Are you a complainer? Of course you are. When traffic's heavy, when the meat's underdone, when your team's World Series hopes are robbed by a selfish fan, you let loose. And the reason, says Robin M. Kowalski, a professor of psychology at Clemson University and author of the new book "Complaining, Teasing, and Other Annoying Behaviors" (Yale University Press, $25), is simple: "Complaining has value. We wouldn't do it otherwise.''

Complaining is cathartic, eases tensions, creates bonds and sometimes actually gets results. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well, so here's our guide to more effective complaining:

Don't make it personal. People are more willing to see things your way when you're not on the attack. Saying, "That little humming noise you make through your nose when you chew sounds like a sea gull with asthma'' may be true, but it's only going to make the person you're talking to feel criticized. Far better to say something like: "I'm sorry. I've had a really bad day. Everything has gotten on my nerves, and right now, that humming is driving me up a wall.'' The point is, it's not about the person or what he's doing; it's the circumstances.

Do it sparingly. "Complaining makes us feel better,'' Kowalski says. "Getting something off your chest, and getting some sympathy, can do a lot for our outlook.'' But be realistic. How sympathetic is someone who gripes and gripes some more about every little thing? You may nod your head in a kindly way, but inside you're thinking, "Check, please!'' Complaining is like garlic: It's effective in small doses, but too much drives people away.

Have an authentic complaint. Gripes like "This job sucks'' or "The government is out to get me'' or "My parents don't want me to live at home because they're threatened by my success" may accurately reflect your feelings of frustration and (gosh) may even be true on some level, but they aren't effective. What you're really complaining about in each case is something more specific -- your workload, your inability to pay your taxes, the way people treat you. Speak to the things that really bother you.

Have proof. Implicit in every complaint is an appeal for justice. You cannot drag your boss into court just because he gave a raise to Smedley and not to you, but the very act of complaining about it -- of acting the plaintiff -- gives you an idea of how to proceed. Summon all your evidence: how many more hours you worked, how many more important tasks you handled, how much more efficient you were. Point out that Smedley may buy an extra round at Applebee's after work, but he never stays at the office past 5:30. See how it goes.

Complain to the right person. You may be the most justifiably aggrieved person in the universe, but if you don't direct your gripe to a person who can do something about it, you can't expect relief. Don't complain to Jill about Jack.

Have a light touch. "Complaining is a bonding technique,'' Kowalski says. "Think how often you've been waiting in a long line, and somebody starts griping about the wait, and soon people are chatting about other matters.'' Complaining helps people talk about experiences they're all going through together, and that relieves the stress.

Turn the negative into a positive. Kowalski has studied complaining and other annoying behaviors for eight years. She got into the field, fittingly, when as a young graduate she started moaning about how there were no good fields left to research. "You complain so much,'' a friend said. "Why don't you study complaining?'' Sure enough, the field was wide open for study.

Now that's a case where complaining to the right person got results.