Also: What's taught in sex ed?

Dr. Tedd Mitchell, father of three, offers his plan for talking to children about sex. Nervous? Get over it.

Parents with nerves of steel become quivering bowls of jelly when it comes to talking to their kids about sex.

But take heart: Even in this sex-around-every-corner world, kids look to parents for guidance. In fact, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy found that, of all sources of pressure (media, peers, the Internet, school), a parent's influence was the greatest of all. One thing is certain: If you don't talk to your kids, you're deciding they will learn about sex from someone else. If you want this job done right, you need to do it yourself. No one is better equipped than you to provide your child with information on the moral, emotional and psychological aspects of sex.

So here's a plan: Stop to examine your own behavior. Look for opportunities to have discussions with your kids. And listen when they have questions or problems.

Stop.
Before approaching your child, take a good, long look in the mirror. Little antennae have picked up the "vibes" you give off regarding sex. Take an inventory of your behaviors.

What are your entertainment habits? At home, is your television viewing age-appropriate? What about your reading materials? And the Web sites you surf? Are you a night owl on the party scene? Do you frequent locations you would disapprove of for your children?

How are your relations with other adults? Even though they can't verbalize it, kids are hurt when they see adults in abusive relationships. For one thing, it distorts a child's image of what a "normal" adult relationship is. Here's one of my favorite sayings: "The greatest gift a father can give his children is to show love and respect to their mother." Your kids need to know that you are attracted to each other, enjoy each other's company and have a special tie unlike any other relationship. Do this and you teach the prototype of a healthy, loving relationship for them to carry into the future.

Look.
Now look for opportunities to discuss sex. Don't wait too long. I recommend that discussions occur by age 10 or 12. Not bringing up the subject suggests the topic is "taboo," and kids will feel increasingly uncomfortable discussing any sex-related topic with you.

Have "the talk." If you feel less than competent, don't fret: Several groups offer good guides (see box below). Pick one that reflects your attitudes and beliefs about sex. Also, consider taking your child to a seminar; it will put you on equal footing, allowing you to take turns talking and listening. Ask your pediatrician or religious leader what's available. If you're willing to spend time researching, you'll find the library has a wealth of information.

Look for everyday opportunities. Experts agree that kids need to hear the message repeatedly. And don't just repeat anatomy lessons; express your opinions, your aspirations for your children and your expectations of their behavior. Teens need to hear regularly that the decision to have sex is not to be taken lightly -- that sex should involve love and commitment. Monitor their activities (we'll call this the "covert caring" part of the program). Lots of teen TV shows, movies, Web sites, musical acts and periodicals send out confusing or misleading messages about sex. Explore how kids feel about what they've seen, read or heard.

Listen.
In high school, I often came home to find my buddies there -- not to see me, but to ask my mother for advice about girls and life! Her advice was measured and reflected her own solid moral values, but it was given in such a way that my friends felt they were having a conversation, not getting a lecture.

Work on this skill. It pays off. In a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, researchers found that teens were less likely to have sex if they thought their mothers were against it. Be clear about your feelings, consistent in your approach and open to listening when your kids have questions. When you do, they'll make better choices.

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What's taught in sex ed?
Many students get sex education in school. After the anatomy lesson is over, classes vary widely, ranging from "abstinence only" programs to what I call "every teen should know how to use a condom." Which is best? It depends on whom you ask.

I believe the debate illustrates the need for you to be involved in your child's sex education. Find out what is taught in your child's school. Then discuss the lessons with your child.

Parents, get helpful guides from ...
-- National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy: 202-478-8500, teenpregnancy.org
-- Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS): 212-819-9770, familiesaretalking.org
-- Planned Parenthood: 800-230-7526, plannedparenthood.org/parents
-- Kaiser Family Foundation: 650-854-9400, kff.org

Tedd Mitchell, M.D., directs the Wellness Program at the Cooper Clinic in Dallas.