Issue Date: October 17, 2004
My girlfriend and I just moved into a new apartment and are having decorating issues. Most of the place reflects her taste and very little of mine. How can I tell her I'd like more say about our surroundings without sounding selfish?
S.N., California
Moving in together is a huge step, and hopefully it's one you both thought hard about. If commitment is the ultimate goal, two other "C words" will come into play: communication and compromise.
Start by saying, "I love the way you've decorated the place, but I feel I don't really have a presence in it. Can we talk about incorporating more of my stuff?" If she gets angry and refers to your items as junk, that's a red flag: She's the selfish, uncompromising one, and you should reconsider the whole arrangement! But I bet she'll be happy to talk about it. Women don't expect guys to want to get involved in decorating details, and she may love swatch-shopping with you (be careful what you wish for!).
Once you've gotten her attention, it's time for some decorating give-and-take, i.e., compromise. Below are suggestions on how you two can achieve that home-sweet-our-home feeling.
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How to combine his stuff with hers
Here are some tips on how to happily cohabitate and co-decorate, from Lisa Rinna of Lifetime's Merge, a show that "merges" newlyweds' possessions in their new home:
1. Be realistic about space and budget. If the furniture doesn't fit in the apartment, store or get rid of it.
2. Consider a middle ground. "If she loves her couch but you hate the floral pattern on it, talk about slipcovers," Rinna says.
3. Each of you should choose one non-negotiable item you both agree to respect and incorporate into the décor -- no matter what. "Be open, however, to refurbishing it if it needs it."
4. Don't keep score. What matters is that you both have personal possessions throughout the apartment, and that the result is a place you both can feel at home in.
-- D.H.
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I got married about a year ago. To my husband's delight, his 15-year-old daughter decided she no longer wants to live with her mom and moved in with us. She never lifts a finger around the house, stays out all hours and runs up the phone bill. This is straining our marriage, especially because he refuses to say anything to her for fear she'll move back with her mom. What can I do?
F.C., New Jersey
"The Brady Bunch" made it look effortless, but the real world of stepfamilies is complicated. As a matter of fact, the divorce rate for marriages involving children from past relationships is higher than for those without. Why? Some of the factors are unrealistic expectations (parents expect kids to bond instantly with the new stepparent), loyalty conflicts (kids fear accepting a new spouse is a betrayal of the other parent) and authority issues (especially concerning discipline). Parents who anticipate, discuss and lay down ground rules before marriage fare better than those who cross that road when they get to it.
You and your husband need to start talking about your unexpected role as a full-time stepmom. Explain that you feel his daughter is taking advantage of his guilt and your inexperience. Let him know you fear that without some house rules and curfews, this teen may be headed for trouble. If he expresses concern about her threats to move out, explain that allowing her to dictate the household you both created is unhealthy for everyone. (Resist pointing out that most likely his daughter's move was motivated by her mom's refusal to let her get away with anything.)
If talks go nowhere, consider seeking family counseling to better learn how to deal with the situation.
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