Issue Date: November 14, 2004
"For better or worse" is for kitchens, too
When cooks merge households, whose roaster gets Thanksgiving duty, and whose is history?
By Jen Weiss
One of the many challenges newlyweds face when moving in together is figuring out how to make room for each other in limited space -- and for those of us who love to cook, configuring the kitchen is the hardest part.
Two cooks say "I love you" by giving up some cherished tools to make room for their partner's.
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This is a problem close to my heart. My fiancé, Adam, and I both love to cook, and we are looking forward to a bright, tasty future together. But as the big day approaches, we're realizing we'll have six drawers, four cupboards, limited shelf space, and 20 pots between us -- big pots. And six frying pans.
Now what?
For perspective, I turned to psychologist Dale Atkins, who advises couples in her weddingchannel.com "Sanity Savers" column. She confirmed my suspicion that combining kitchens is increasingly problematic for new couples. "People who are really good cooks get attached to certain tools they're comfortable with, because they know they can trust them to get the job done beautifully," she says. "And to them, cooking is a ritual, an act of love."
Your tools help you create beautiful food, which is one way you say "I love you." You wonder if you can get the job done without your trusty, albeit bulky, roaster. Will his smaller one work?
Of course it will -- but you'll have to let it. To make this marriage of kitchens work, you'll need to sacrifice a little and keep an open mind. But the rewards are great. "By giving up some of your tools, accepting some of your partner's, and choosing some new tools together, you're telling your partner you're willing to make room," Atkins says. That translates to "I love you." You're on your way to a sizzling relationship.
Where to start? In working with her clients, professional organizer Crystal Sabalaske of Cluttershrink has encountered more cheap pots and griddles than you can shake a skewer at. When I shared our dilemma with her, she had four tips for all of us newlyweds on slimming down our cookware collections:
Turn a critical eye on your own collection. Review the cookware each of you has, and decide what you don't love so much. These are the easy trades. Your own iron grill pan isn't totally doing it for you, is it? But your partner has one that makes tuna steaks so good you could live on them. Great! One down.
Narrow down your favorites. If you both have complete sets of a respected brand of cookware, consider breaking them up. It's true, the Le Creuset "flame" pots look so nice together, but doesn't his copper saucepan work a little better than your iron one? Each brand has its strengths and weaknesses. Odds are, you have some pieces you can part with.
Have a heart-to-heart. Once you have pared your individual collections down to each partner's favorite pieces, the real emotional work begins. Take a look at the cookware you each love. Figure out what moves you about yours and communicate that to your partner. Trade pots, test them.
"Everyone should get [to keep] their absolute favorite tool," Sabalaske says. It's not just about comfort. By discussing each other's must-haves, you'll get to know your partner better -- and you'll notice things about your cookware you hadn't seen before. Maybe you'll realize the wok you've loved for years isn't so great. His is better. Maybe you'll fall in love with one of your partner's utensils. It can happen.
Let go of the excess. Give your extras to friends, family and thrift stores to free up some space. As Sabalaske tells her clients, the more free kitchen space you have, the happier you'll be -- especially when you're both frantically running around, cooking for your first dinner party together.
A word about knives, small appliances and everything else in your kitchen: Same thing applies. You've grown to love them, but you love your partner more. Keep your priorities in mind, keep talking, and you'll be on your way to cooperative cooking bliss in no time.
For Adam and me, the process has been enlightening. We have been working through it slowly, following Sabalaske's advice, and we're managing to maintain a sense of humor about this unexpectedly challenging step in our courtship.
"Your kitchen is a reflection of yourself," columnist Atkins says. Marriage creates an expanded sense of self. So, "ultimately, you'll want your combined kitchen to reflect each of you, together." It might not be easy, but if you focus on the most important thing -- your love for each other -- you'll be able to create a kitchen to which both of you will say "I do."
Writer Jen Weiss and fiancé Adam Handler in their newly combined Manhattan kitchen
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