Issue Date: December 12, 2004

Exclusive! -- Lemony Snicket's "The Lump of Coal"

Just in time for the movie "A Series of Unfortunate Events," here's your chance to get immersed in the strange, eccentric world created by this famed author, who enjoys cult status among kids.

By Lemony Snicket

The holiday season is a time for storytelling, and whether you hear the story of a candelabra staying lit for more than a week, or one about a baby born in a barn without proper medical supervision, these stories often feature miracles. Miracles are like pimples, because once you start looking for them you find more than you ever dreamed you'd see, and this holiday story features any number of miracles, depending on your point of view.

Snicket wrote this unusual (OK, weird) holiday tale just for USA WEEKEND.

The story begins with a lump of coal that, for the sake of argument, could think, talk and move itself around. Like many people who dress in black, the lump of coal was interested in becoming an artist. The lump of coal dreamed of a miracle -- that one day it would get to draw rough, black lines -- or, better, a breast of chicken or salmon fillet -- on a canvas. To do this, it first needed to participate in a barbecue to become familiar with its subjects.

But barbecues, sadly, are for summer, and this is a holiday story and so takes place in the dead of winter, when the air is gray and wet shoes line up in hallways, shivering and crying tears of sleet. It is difficult to find a barbecue in the winter, although it is easy to find small animals scurrying through back yards and tipping things over, such as abandoned, snow-covered lawn chairs, frozen birdbaths and forgotten bags of charcoal, and this is how the small, flammable hero of our story found itself tumbling out into the world.

"This isn't the miracle I was hoping for," said the lump of coal, "but perhaps if I roll around a bit, I can find something interesting."

The lump of coal rolled out of the back yard, taking care to avoid the inevitable puddles of winter, and soon found itself in the center of town. You would think that the center of town would be bustling during the holiday season, but most shoppers were bustling around at the mall several miles away, so there was plenty of room on the sidewalk for the lump of coal.

It window-shopped for a while, and then to its delight the lump of coal found itself outside an art gallery. In the window were several paintings that looked like someone had taken a dark, crumbly substance and smeared it all over a piece of paper. "I can't believe it!" cried the lump of coal. "Here is an art gallery that displays art by lumps of coal! It's a miracle!"

When the lump of coal rolled inside, however, it discovered that the art gallery was not a miracle after all. "We do not represent artists such as yourself," said the gallery owner, after the lump of coal had introduced itself. The gallery owner had a long, oily mustache and a strange accent that the lump of coal suspected was fake. "We have a wide selection of works by human beings that suits us just fine. Please go away, and don't leave smudges on my artistic floor."

Disappointed, the lump of coal rolled outside. "That wasn't the artistic opportunity I was hoping for," it said to itself. "But if I roll around a bit more, perhaps I can find something interesting."

The lump of coal rolled farther down the block and stopped in front of a building where powerful smells were wafting, a phrase that here means "coming from nearby, even though the door was closed." A sign on the building informed passers-by that the building was named "Mr. Wong's Korean Barbeque Palace And Secretarial School," which made the lump of coal gasp in delight, because I forgot to tell you that for the sake of argument the lump of coal could read.

"It's a miracle!" cried the lump of coal, and certainly there was every reason to believe this was so. A Korean restaurant is an excellent opportunity to enjoy an indoor barbecue. In fact, many such establishments have small barbecue pits installed in the tables, so you can do the barbecuing yourself. I have spent many pleasant evenings in Korean restaurants, taking shelter from the winter cold, warming myself by the barbecue pit at my table, enjoying the smell of the toasted rice tea, eggplant salad and pickled cabbage served alongside the roasted meats and vegetables.

When the lump of coal rolled inside, however, it discovered that Mr. Wong's Korean Barbeque Palace And Secretarial School was not a miracle after all. The air was filled with the smell of oregano, which is not a Korean spice, and the owner was wearing a pair of very ugly earrings and a rude scowl on her face. "I don't need any coal," she said. "I get all my coal from a Korean restaurant supply factory. Everything in this restaurant has to be 100% Korean."

"But Wong isn't even a Korean name," the lump of coal said. "And judging by the smell, I don't think you're using proper Korean spices."

"Please go away," said the restaurant owner, "and don't leave smudges on my Korean floor."

The lump of coal did what it was told and began to grow very despondent, a word that here means "certain that a miracle would not occur after all." "Perhaps miracles only happen to human beings," it said, "or maybe miracles are only as genuine as Mr. Wong's Korean Barbeque Palace And Secretarial School. Perhaps I should just bury myself and become a diamond after thousands of years of intense pressure."

Just when the lump of coal was ready to throw in the towel, however, it ran into someone I'm sure I don't have to introduce. He was an overweight man with a long white beard, dressed in a very bright red suit.

"Santa Claus!" cried the lump of coal. "It's a miracle!"

"I'm not a miracle," said Santa Claus, "and I'm not really Santa Claus. I'm an employee of the drugstore, dressed up and giving out coupons. The real Santa Claus is at the mall."

"Do you have any use for me?" asked the lump of coal. "I'm an artist at heart, but I'm very helpful when cooking meat."

Santa Claus sighed. "Well," he said. "My stepson is a very disobedient boy named Jasper. His mother used to say he had an artistic temperament, but I just think he's a brat. You're just the thing to put in his stocking as punishment."

"I guess that's better than nothing," the lump of coal said, and when Santa Claus put him in Jasper's stocking, the lump of coal found that being in a cozy sock was, in fact, better than nothing. And when Jasper found the lump of coal, things became even better than better than nothing.

"A lump of coal!" Jasper cried. "I've been wanting to create some abstract art featuring rough, black lines!"

"I'd be happy to be of assistance," said the lump of coal.

"Egad!" cried Jasper. "You can talk! It's a miracle!"

It was a miracle, although the miracles didn't stop there. Jasper and the lump of coal collaborated on a number of beautiful paintings, which the art gallery sold for an enormous fortune. That was a miracle. Jasper and the lump of coal used this fortune to visit Korea, where they had always wanted to go, and when they came back they bought the restaurant and turned it into a proper place, known as Yi Sang's Korean Barbeque Palace And Secretarial School, after the famous Korean poet who was unfairly imprisoned in 1937 for crimes he did not commit. That was a miracle, too.

In the daytime, the two friends cooked genuine Korean food, and in the evenings they produced works of abstract art. They never saw Santa Claus again, although they heard he had been fired from the drugstore for making fun of someone who was buying a certain ointment. All these things are miracles.

It is a miracle if you can find true friends, and it is a miracle if you have enough food to eat, and it is a miracle if you get to spend your days and evenings doing whatever it is you like to do. The holiday season, like all the other seasons, is a good time not only to tell stories of miracles, but to think about the miracles in your own life, and to be grateful for them, and that's the end of this particular story.

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Lemony who?
He has a peculiar name and an even stranger set of children's books. But the combination is a sensation among the school-age set. Lemony Snicket's "A Series of Unfortunate Events" has sold 25 million copies worldwide. And next Friday, Snicket goes Hollywood when his dark tale hits the big screen in a film starring Jim Carrey as the sinister Count Olaf.
And, oh, yes ... who exactly is Lemony Snicket? He's really a fellow named Daniel Handler, but don't tell anyone we told you that!

Cover and story illustrations for USA WEEKEND by "official" Lemony Snicket artist Brett Helquist