How to tell when you need a marriage counselor Ask columnist Dennie Hughes your question RelationTIPS chat every Monday at 4 p.m. ET

I have always made it clear in all my relationships that cheaters don't deserve second chances. That is, until now, when I was the one who got caught cheating. I am truly sorry, and I'm fighting hard to regain my husband's trust. What can I do to make him believe that I will never, ever jeopardize my marriage again?
C.N., Washington

Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with stating certain expectations when you enter into a relationship. But you have to remember it works both ways! So get ready for some really hard work ahead to regain not just your husband's trust, but his respect as well.

Start by facing the reasons you cheated. You really need to understand what was missing in yourself and your relationship -- and to understand the issues that led you to have those needs met elsewhere -- before you can talk to your husband about them. By the time you have figured that out, your husband may have cooled down enough to discuss it with you. At that point, explain what happened, apologize, and take full responsibility for having chosen to cheat rather than work on the problems you had. Then, let your husband know how much you want to save the marriage, and ask him what he requires from you to help heal the hurt you caused. Give him some time to think about it if he needs it.

After you discuss the situation rationally, and you both agree you'd like to mend this marriage, consider a few sessions with a professional counselor (see next question!). Having the will to stay together after an affair, coupled with the skills to communicate your needs more effectively in the future, is the best way to break the "once a cheater, always a cheater" curse.

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You've mentioned on several occasions that seeking help from a marriage counselor can be useful. My husband and I wonder how to tell whether a marriage needs that step.
G.I., Arizona

Do any of the following sound familiar?
Do you feel like you have the same argument so often that you could tape your answers in advance and just hit "play"?
Has either of you had an affair, or come close to having one?
Do you feel as if you can talk to everyone except your partner about important things?
Do you wonder if counseling could help?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you may be ready for outside help.

If you decide to try a counselor, talk to a trusted doctor, religious leader or friend for a recommendation. There's a broad spectrum of qualified professionals out there -- marriage therapists, certified social workers -- to fit most budgets. "Trust your gut," says Susan Hendrick, professor of psychology at Texas Tech University. "Work with someone who makes you feel hopeful after the initial interview, not beat-up."

Once you start, realize that things may get worse before they get better. Come in with an open mind, and be ready to work -- learning how to communicate as well as instituting new skills (such as how to listen more effectively, and how to pick and choose your battles).

Remember, it's natural to be reluctant to seek help. But don't be embarrassed. As Hendrick notes, "Seeking therapy -- being proactive in your life -- is a declaration of wisdom and strength."

A new book by Dennie Hughes, "Dateworthy" (Rodale, $14.95), is in stores now.