Issue Date: December 26, 2004
My husband and I have started discussing getting a divorce. Should we let our 8-year-old choose with whom she wants to live? We just want her to be happy.
V.M., Oregon
Children of divorce shouldn't choose who gets custody.
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I commend you for being so thoughtful, instead of letting anger or other emotions take over. Studies show that a child whose parents split up amicably and maintain a friendly relationship suffers less trauma and anxiety.
However, if you want your daughter to be truly happy, you and your husband must decide where she'll live. A child should not be burdened with the responsibility of figuring out what's best for her. "Parents need to come up with a plan so that what's important to their child -- friends, activities, school -- is disrupted as little as possible," says psychologist Philip Stahl, author of "Parenting After Divorce."
Keep in mind, Stahl says, that children with joint physical custody generally do better than those who live primarily with one parent. That said, once you have a plan and have discussed the divorce with your daughter, you and your husband should bring up the topic of where she will live in a firm but caring way. Stahl advises explaining, "Because we love you so much, we've been talking about where you should live so we both can spend lots of time with you. So, you'll be with Mom X amount of time and with Dad X amount of time. While we're making this work, we want you to let us know if you're having problems, so we can make things better."
To ensure your child's future happiness, you should both stay active, involved participants in her life. And remember that authoritative parenting -- structure, routine, consistency and reasonable discipline -- combined with sensitivity are the keys to helping children feel secure and loved.
Dennie Hughes' new book, "Dateworthy" (Rodale, $14.95), is in stores now.
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