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Issue Date: February 13, 2005
Look who else is talking
Every DVD nowadays comes with special commentaries by stars and directors. But what if everyone got in on the act? Here are the most fascinating ones you'll never hear (because we made them up).
By Reed Tucker
Godzilla DVD Collection 7-Pack
Godzilla [in a stuffy stage-actor voice]: ... and here we see a great scene between me and my good friend King Ghidorah, the three-headed mutant dragon. Oh, I have such splendid memories! Ghidorah was ever the consummate professional, a craftsman at the peak of his abilities. His timing and sense of character remind me of a young Olivier. Ghiddy and I had done Shakespeare's "Henry IV" together in the West End the year before, and we had such magical synergy together. For example, this part here, where he toasts the Japanese army by breathing fire -- all improvised. Imagine!
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The Simple Life 2
Paris Hilton: Sorry I'm late. ... Hi, I'm Paris Hilton, and we're here in the studio to record a commentary for -- like, ohmigod! Look at all these flashing lights and cool buttons. I love buttons.
Engineer's voice: Paris, could you please read your cue cards?
Paris: OK, someone needs to, like, totally chill. [Pops open a can of Red Bull, chugs it, then starts chomping on a stick of gum.]
Engineer: Paris, the chewing into the microphone is a bit distracting.
Paris: That's it. You are so never getting a suite at one of Daddy's hotels.
Engineer: Just read your lines, please.
Paris: [pauses] Hey, you're kinda hot. Wanna make out?
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The Village
The '70s disco group the Village People --
The Indian chief: We're watching M. Night Shyamalan's "The Village," and I don't know what's going on here, but there's no one like this where we come from.
The biker: Yeah, what's with all the flowing cloaks and prudish Amish wear?
The construction worker: Weird. Check out the not-so-Macho Man. Someone definitely needs to pump some iron at the YMCA.
The policeman: Muscles wouldn't make up for the fact that this movie is pretty much unfabulous in every way. It's so dark and bleak. And, hello, where are the musical numbers?
The cowboy: It's obvious Mr. M. Night has failed miserably to capture anything about the village or its people. If you want a real movie, rent 1980's "Can't Stop the Music," starring ... us!
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Star Wars trilogy
Yoda: Welcome you to my commentary, I do. My thoughts on the three original films, I will share. Old and wise, I am. Much insight, I will give. Noticed, I have, that "Empire Strikes Back" is the best of ... This movie ... aw, fuhgeddaboutit. I can't do this stupid voice no more. Youse guys can just get bent, capisce? There's a Coors Light at the corner bar with my name on it.
Chewbacca: Word.
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The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
PETA activist: This film is appalling. Look at this battle scene. How much longer will we put up with the senseless slaughter of wargs, fell beasts and giant poisonous spiders? Really, who speaks for the mumakil when the mumakil can't speak for themselves?
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The Alamo
Anonymous Disney accountant: Man, this is tough to watch. See that explosion? Another $100,000 out of our pockets. Every one of those stupid muskets? 500 clams. Which reminds me, if you're ever in the Los Angeles area, we're having a bake sale and car wash on the studio lot the first Saturday of every month. Please drop by and spend what you can.
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Catwoman
Halle Berry: I'm Halle Berry, and I won an Oscar. This movie --
Michelle Pfeiffer: Excuse me. I'm Michelle Pfeiffer, and I play Catwoman.
Berry: Uh-uh. I know you didn't just interrupt me. Did you not just hear that I won an Oscar?! Besides, you're confused. I play Catwoman.
Pfeiffer: No, I distinctly remember rubbing baby powder all over my purr-fect body so I could squeeze into a latex cat suit. I don't think that was to mow the lawn, honey.
Berry: Let's get this straight. You played the character in "Batman Returns," a film completely unrelated to "Catwoman." My movie is set in an alternate universe, has different characters, bears no relation to the comic book and gives no sign of Batman.
Pfeiffer: Well, that's just ridiculous.
Berry: The movie was produced by the same studio.
Pfeiffer: Why would any studio be so stupid?
Berry: Don't call the studio stupid, stupid!
Pfeiffer: That's it -- [loud scuffling noises, hissing and spitting, whips cracking].
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Super Size Me
Morgan Spurlock: Oh, man. This scene brings back so many memories! We had to do six or seven takes just to get the perfect angle of me, bloated and barfing out of my car window. But it was worth it. Funny story: Right before this take, my heart stopped, and I was, like, legally dead for three minutes. So righteous.
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