Issue Date: February 27, 2005
I've been dating a divorced dad for about a year, and we've decided to get engaged and take our relationship to a more serious level. The problem? His kids, 8 and 12, are totally against my moving in and becoming a part of the family! They go out of their way to disagree with me, and they undermine me when I ask them to do something. What can I do about this?
R.R., Massachusetts Before things go any further, you and your man need to discuss your role as an authority figure for the kids. Follow that up with a family meeting where Dad makes sure his kids understand that, while he loves them, your upcoming marriage is an adult issue and not their decision to make. What's most important, says psychiatrist David Fassler, co-author of "'Help Me, I'm Sad': Recognizing, Treating, and Preventing Childhood and Adolescent Depression," is that you try to be patient and understanding during this transition. Divorce and remarriage are difficult for kids; many hold on to fantasies that their parents will get back together. "When a parent finds someone new, the fantasy is shattered, and it fuels anger and frustration," Fassler says. "Their resentment may have less to do with a personal vendetta against you, and more about fear of losing the love and attention of their dad to a stranger." Even under the best circumstances, step-parenting isn't easy. Carefully consider what it's all about before stepping down the aisle. Understand that it does not mean you take the mother's place. Recognize that although some kids adjust and become loving over time, some never do, and you'll have to accept that. Finally, if you do decide to give this your best try and things don't go smoothly, you and your intended may need to attend a few sessions with a family counselor. |
