Issue Date: March 13, 2005
After three years of dating, I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum: If he didn't ask me to marry him within six months, I was leaving. So, six months later, he says, "No marriage, but how about we live together?" Does his wanting to take the relationship to another level mean I won? I'm so confused.
J.S., Virginia
The most important rule about ultimatums: Don't use them. A relationship founded on threats is doomed. But now that you've issued one, you're going to have to follow through. If you move in together instead of splitting up, your threat loses all credibility, and he wins control over the road this relationship takes. He'll know you won't leave as long as he throws you a "commitment alternative." You can be sure years will pass as stall tactics like a "long engagement" are offered up to keep your wedding whining at bay.
You need to approach the issue in a less dramatic, more mature manner: Come right out and ask your boyfriend whether he plans to marry you. Listen without getting defensive. He may have legitimate reasons for dragging his feet. If he points out real problems such as money, constant arguing or mistrust between you, he may be right about the relationship not being wedding-worthy yet. However, if he can't tell you anything beyond "I'm just not ready," it's a sure sign he isn't as committed as you are. In that case, follow through on your ultimatum and move on.
|
