Issue Date: May 29, 2005
I'm a stay-at-home dad who considers himself a "desperate househusband." Although my wife makes an unbelievable amount of money, she's always on the road, never home for our two kids and me. While I'm proud of what she has achieved and I love her very much, lately I find myself rejecting her lovemaking advances when she drops in between business trips. What's going on here?
-- D.P., Washington
What's going on here is probably a combination of things. Let's start with the fact that being a full-time homemaker and child caregiver can be exhausting, leaving you a little low on that loving feeling. Add to that the likelihood that your wife isn't adequately expressing her appreciation for the important job you're doing. Then throw in the possibility that you still have unresolved macho issues about the role reversal. As Emeril would say, "BAM!" Definitely not a recipe for romance.
To make this relationship work, you have to do something that gender experts say most men aren't "hard-wired" to do: have a deep, detailed discussion with your wife about what you're feeling. And you need to do this soon, before she starts thinking the lack of lovemaking has something to do with an affair.
Explain that you need some appreciation and attention from her to feel like an important part of her life and your marriage. Suggest a new ritual: On the first night she comes home, after the kids are in bed, you get a babysitter and have a date night to reconnect. Or ask her to spend her first hour or so home catching up with the kids, letting you get out for personal time.
Good news: Women are genetically geared to use gab as a way of forming deeper bonds with people, so your efforts will go a long way.
Still leery of letting it all hang out? Cut this article out, hand it over and say, "I thought this 'desperate househusband' column was really interesting. What do you think about it?"
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