Issue Date: June 5, 2005
Is it wrong to teach your teenage daughter to "wait until marriage" when your own first sexual encounter was at 16? Am I a hypocrite for wanting her to act in a way that I did not?
J.A., California
Giving your daughter advice based on the morals, values and principles you want her to live by isn't wrong; it's good parenting. And it's certainly not hypocritical to offer up words of wisdom based on personal experience, especially if the experience in question left you feeling upset, confused or hurt -- all things you want to protect your daughter from.
But it would be a bad move to lie if questioned about your past instead of using the moment to really talk to your daughter about this sensitive subject. Trust me on this: Research shows that if your child asks whether you had sex at her age, it's because she's been thinking about how sex fits into her life. Take advantage of her opening up this line of communication by responding without preachiness or hysterics.
Without giving her sexually explicit details, let her know why you regret having had sex as a teen. Casually ask whether she knows anyone who has had sex, and what she thinks about that. Talk about the dangers of sex: pregnancy, STDs, HIV, ruined reputations, loss of self-esteem. The more honest you are, and the more you encourage your daughter to speak (without reacting badly), the more likely she will turn to you before making important decisions. There's no guarantee she'll "wait until marriage" to have sex, but your input may, at the very least, get her to hold off until she's older.
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