Issue Date: August 14, 2005
I'm an adult woman struggling to maintain a relationship with my father, who abandoned my mom and me when I was a child. A year ago, after my mother died, he married his longtime mistress. She seems to think we can all be as happy as the "Brady Bunch" family and is getting on my nerves. Plus, my dad supports their 6-year-old son more extravagantly than he did for me. How do I have a relationship with my dad, apart from them?
A.G., New Jersey
To renew ties with your estranged father, first release anger.
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You are holding on to a lot of anger, and it's easy to see why. Your dad gets a fresh start with a new wife and a child to whom he's giving quality attention, while you get to deal with painful memories of betrayal and abandonment (not to mention the loss of your mother). Adding insult to injury, you're in the position of having to accept and fit into his world just to have some shred of a relationship with him.
Your hurt feelings are perfectly normal and even justified, but they are not healthy or helpful. You first need to deal with your own issues. "Letting go and moving on starts with figuring out what you truly want from this situation," says Ben Allen, a Northbrook, Ill., psychologist.
Once you figure that out, have a heart-to-heart with your father. Try to keep an open mind about his perspective. If he's truly apologetic, remorseful and wants to make things right for you, consider giving him a chance -- but on your terms.
Let him know you need to take things slowly by first rebuilding your relationship with him without his new family's involvement. And consider counseling to help you deal with this very emotional time.
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