Issue Date: August 28, 2005
You always say honesty is one of the basic relationship "non-negotiables." My question is: Just how honest should a person be with someone he loves? For example, if she asks whether sex was better in a previous relationship -- and it was (even though that relationship was horrible) -- what do I say?
E.F., Illinois
Being honest with someone you love is a very important relationship skill. It fosters trust, loyalty and respect -- yes, the non-negotiables that form the very foundation on which to build a successful relationship.
Being honest doesn't mean you have to spill every detail of past relationships.
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The hard part about honesty is not so much the actual truth-telling; it's knowing the difference between a situation that calls for a blunt answer and one that calls for reassurance. Know this: Nine times out of 10, when a partner asks, "Was your ex smarter/more attractive/sexier than me?" it's because something is making her feel extremely worried and insecure. She is not looking for a direct comparison. She probably wants to find out why you seem distant or distracted.
If you love this woman, then don't hurt her with unnecessary details about your past. Instead, try responding kindly: "Honey, I'm really concerned that you'd ask about something like that. Is there something about our sex life that's making you worried?"
Encourage her to be honest about her fears, and be open about what you may need from her. Focus on finding a solution without bringing in third-party information. If she still insists on an answer to her question, comfort her by saying, "It's you I want to be with -- not anyone else."
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