Issue Date: October 2, 2005
His porn, her problem
I am a newlywed. While doing a heavy-duty bedroom cleanup the other day, I was shocked and upset to find a raunchy men's magazine under the mattress. What should I do?
J.A., Florida
Lots of men -- and, yes, some women -- check out porn as a way of adding a little spice to their sex life. Psychotherapist Ross Lynn Tabisel, co-founder of the Women's Therapy Center in Plainview, N.Y., says porn is harmless if used occasionally to satisfy sexual curiosity. But, she says, "if the need to view pornography becomes more important than sexual intimacy with a partner, or if the partner feels betrayed or bullied by it, then it's definitely a problem."
Research is one thing; personal feelings are another. If you feel like I do about it (disgust that every dollar spent on it contributes to the degradation and humiliation of women and, too often, children), then you need to approach your husband with the first of what may be many "laying of ground rules" conversations in your marriage.
Keep in mind that the magazine might be a long-forgotten indulgence left over from his bachelor days, so approach your husband with concern, not anger. That doesn't mean you should hold back about how upset you were when you found the magazine. Your goal is not to make him feel bad, but rather to come to an agreement that if either one of you wants to add spark to your sex life, then you turn to each other and look into ideas -- such as lingerie or fun, sexy board games -- that foster sexual intimacy and fuel the fire.
It's a tough topic to tackle, but if you two can find a way to resolve it with love and respect, then it's a good sign that you're in it for the long haul.
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