Issue Date: October 23, 2005
An affair to regret
I had a drunken one-night stand and felt so bad about it I immediately confessed to my wife of three years.I apologized and vowed to make it up to her. Since then, I've been making up constantly, from buying big-ticket items to giving up all outside interests to stay home with her. I really am sorry, but how long is a person supposed to pay for a mistake?
E.A., New Jersey
Sorry, but "how long" is as long as it takes your wife to get to a place where working it out is preferable to working you over.
While you have eased your conscience, your wife is just starting to deal with the anger, hurt and confusion that come with betrayal. If she's like most women, then she'll be second-guessing her self-worth and battling that little voice inside that says, "If only I had been thinner/prettier/smarter," blaming herself for your lack of loyalty.
If you really want to help her and save your marriage, then stop trying to buy your wife's love and start nurturing her spirit. Keep reassuring her you love her and want to be in this relationship. Apologize as often as she needs, and allow her to vent. Also, think hard about why you were willing to sacrifice your relationship for a one-night stand. Is it possible that all those "outside interests" prevented you two from spending quality time together? Only by understanding why you cheated will you not do it again.
And remember, she may never fully get over your cheating. "For better or worse" is not so binding when a spouse breaks the "forsaking all others" clause in a marriage contract. You may need marriage counseling to get your relationship back on track.
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