Issue Date: March 26, 2006
Erase the scarlet letter
I'll get right to the point: I was the "other woman." My now-fiancé was unhappily married when we started our relationship three years ago. We've been dating openly since his divorce two years ago with no problems, but now that we have announced our marriage, his family has been very negative. I'm not proud of how this relationship started, but I don't think I should pay forever. How do I deal?
M.H., Oregon
Let's face it: How your relationship started will always be a source of family gossip. Whether family members take sides or remain neutral, how they wish to view your relationship is something you can't control.
What is in your power, however, is the decision to stop letting them make you feel like you have to keep "paying" for the past. Rather than beat yourself up, replace your guilt about a decision that was up to him, not you, with resolve to move on. (You need only watch the Lifetime channel to know that if he still wanted to be married to her, he would be.)
Focus not on the woman he left behind, but rather on the relationship you two have created, as well as the connections you have worked to forge with his family members. Also, talk to your fiancé about how he has dealt with his own guilt in the past. And if you need it, ask him to show more support for you.
Clearly, you have agonized over your scarlet-letter status and don't need chastising from me. It's OK to forgive the past -- just don't forget it. Your fiancé already has proved his willingness to check out and move on when things got tough. Hopefully, you'll be more prepared than his ex was.
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