Issue Date: May 14, 2006
Resolve problems early on
I've heard of couples who go to counseling before they're married or even living together. But it seems to me that if you're having problems before you get married or commit in any other way, then you are likely doomed to failure. What do you think about this?
C.C., Illinois
Actually, I'm all for counseling. The ability to admit problems and try to work them out indicate commitment and maturity, key components needed to help make a relationship work.
Interestingly enough, it's not just troubled couples who have sought counseling in the past few years. Dallas-based marriage and family therapist Cat Burton says this generation of young couples grew up with both divorce and an awareness that counseling can help.
"Many couples who have had to deal with broken relationships in their lives feel it's important to learn communication and resolution skills," Burton says. Couples who deal with potential problems early on usually can avoid conflict later, she says.
The relationship that is doomed? The one in which only one person believes there are seriously troubling issues that may need some outside help to resolve. A thriving partnership takes two. If only one of you is willing to work, that may be a sign that the other should be asked to walk.
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My mom looks younger than me
My 53-year-old mom discovered plastic surgery a few years ago, and now she looks younger than I do (I'm 27). Everyone -- including my husband -- has commented on how great she looks and how she now looks more like my sister than my mother. I know it shouldn't, but the constant comparison, even from her, is driving me crazy! Why is this getting to me? Also, how should I handle the next annoying comment about how old and tired I look next to her?
D.C., Texas
First, you should stop thinking of compliments to her as digs at you. You need to end the competition and comparison, and find joy in her happiness. What you're perceiving as "constant comparisons" actually may be your mother trying to get feedback from you.
Then, instead of preparing to "handle the next annoying comment," defuse the huge importance you have put on the issue of your mom's new look.
You shouldn't feel bad about your feelings, however. Just as it's natural for your mother to seek beauty validation, it's human nature for you to feel jealous -- even of your mother. Research shows that envy within families starts before a child reaches 6 months old; it's especially palpable between women when it comes to looks, says psychologist David Niven, author of "The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families." Cosmetic surgery has put daughters in a new, uncomfortable hot seat, he says, forcing mothers and daughters into a "who looks better?" contest.
If you're feeling tired and rickety, then take a cue from Mom and do something nice for yourself. A home-spa day or getaway weekend can make you feel refreshed enough to see that what's truly beautiful -- having a relationship with your mom -- goes deeper than any surgeon's scalpel.
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Be honest about lies
I'm always telling my 5-year-old daughter to be truthful. However, the other day we went to her friend's home for a party and, having forgotten to buy a gift, I lied and said, "Oops! I left it on the kitchen table. I'll bring it tomorrow." When we arrived home, my daughter looked at the table and asked where the gift was. I explained it was a little white lie to spare her friend's feelings, but she got very confused. Since then, every time I say something, she asks whether I'm lying or telling the truth. Now what?
P.I., Georgia
Tell your child you were wrong to lie, and reassure her you'll never lie to her.
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At age 5, children see the world in black and white; they know what a lie is and that it's wrong to tell one. When a parent suddenly changes the rules, it's confusing -- and scary.
Most likely, what your daughter needs from you is the simple reassurance that she doesn't have to worry that you will lie to her. Tell her, "I was wrong to tell that lie, because lying is wrong" and "I'm sorry I did that. I want you to know that I will never lie to you."
Clinical child psychologist Steven Atkins says: "Developmentally speaking, a lie is like a knife slicing through feeling safe for a 5-year-old. The next time she asks about lying, get her to open up and tell you about what's really making her apprehensive."
And don't worry: Your child will get over this. Keep in mind that she is learning about her place in the world by modeling your actions. You need to set the stage early to show what good manners and appropriate behavior are so she can't write off her own inappropriate behavior down the road with a response like, "But you do it!"
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