Issue Date: June 4, 2006

Lifestyle

How to be a polite houseguest

Etiquette experts answer five top questions so you'll be sure to get invited back again and again.

By Natalie Ermann Russell

As a houseguest, I always feel the need to offer a token of thanks, be it a gift, a homemade nosh or even a handwritten note after the fact. My husband just rolls his eyes, saying I'm making too big a deal of our friends just being friends ("I never expect a thank-you note when they stay with us," he sighs).

In search of the truth (and, of course, to find out who's right), I talked with a few etiquette experts. What I found is that we're both right: Going the extra mile is always nice ... but not always necessary.

1 Do you have to give a gift to the hostess? "If you are invited to a large, formal dinner party, it's not necessary to bring a gift," says Diana Olson, an etiquette and image consultant in Pasadena, Calif. "But it is important to send a thank-you note."

If you're invited for an extended stay, "you could treat your hosts to a nice dinner out instead of a gift," says Charlotte Ford, author of 21st-Century Etiquette: Charlotte Ford's Guide to Manners for the Modern Age. And if you can't bring a gift with you, she says, you always can send something to the host once you return home. "Some people do it after they leave so they'll know what their hosts like to read or what candle scents they like."

If you regularly stay with the same person, bringing gift after gift might feel silly. "You wouldn't need to give a gift every time," says Jacqueline Whitmore, author of Business Class: Etiquette Essentials for Success at Work. "But you would need to reciprocate in some way." For example, you could get your hosts a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant or buy them a membership to a wine-, fruit- or cheese-of-the-month club.

2 Should you strip the bed when you leave? "Ask the hostess whether you might strip the bed or just make it," Olson says. "Sometimes she may want you to leave the bed unmade." If she prefers that you strip it, then take off the sheets, fold them and put them at the foot of the bed. Or you can stack the sheets on the washing machine.

3 Must you join in your host's every activity? "I think it's OK to decline a dinner out or a party, especially if you're on a business trip," Whitmore says. "Sometimes if friends have evening plans, I say, 'I don't want to be a party pooper, but I'd like to get rested for tomorrow. Do you mind if I don't go?' But if they've spent money for something like tickets, then you should just go."

The bottom line is communication. "It's the host's responsibility to tell you in advance what the plans are," Ford says. "If the host tells you beforehand that she's got big dinner plans, you can say, 'Thanks, but no thanks.' " Simply explain that you'll likely be wiped out from all the touring/walking/meetings you have planned, and tell your host that he can go without you and doesn't need to make plans for you. On the other hand, don't rely on a host too much. "It is a misperception that the hostess is supposed to act as the 'grand entertainer,' " Olson says. "A guest needs to plan some of her own activities ... and do it around the hostess' schedule."

4 Should you alter your sleeping schedule to match your host's? "Some people just can't stay in bed," Ford says. "If you're an early riser, ask where the equipment is to make coffee. And ask for the code for the security alarm, if there is one." Again, talking about it upfront is the best way to avoid any awkward moments. "Mention before you arrive if you are a late sleeper or an early riser," Whitmore suggests. "Say something like, 'I tend to wake up really early, so can I go ahead and help myself to a cup of coffee?' or 'Do you mind if I get the newspaper and read it in the morning?' You have to keep the lines of communication open."

5 Do you have to write a thank-you note? All of our experts stressed the importance of a thank-you note because it's a simple way to let your hosts know you appreciated their hospitality. "But if you're not going to send a gift or write a note, at least say thanks over the phone," Whitmore says. "It's the lazy person's way of saying thank you, but it's still appropriate. Call the person the next day or when you get home to say, 'Thank you. We had a great time and look forward to hosting you.' "

What about sending a thank-you e-mail instead? "That depends on the age of the person you're thanking and if you two usually communicate via e-mail," Whitmore says. Younger hosts may be more receptive to e-mail than older ones (or anyone who rarely uses it).

For close relatives, the rules are different. "When I visit my mom," Whitmore says, "I generally take her out to dinner, but I don't send her a thank-you note. When I stay with my aunt, though, I either send her a gift, flowers or a note."

Natalie Ermann Russell, a frequent contributor to USA WEEKEND Magazine, last wrote about the growing popularity of artisan foods.