Issue Date: June 4, 2006
Beware ex-lovers' leap
My husband and I are totally over, and I can't wait to get the divorce process rolling. How soon can I start dating without it being considered "cheating"? Is it after you and your spouse agree the marriage is over, when you file or when the divorce is final?
J.C., Connecticut
I spoke with several family and divorce lawyers to get the legal lowdown. The first thing anyone should do is contact a divorce lawyer; what defines "cheating" (or "adultery") varies by state. To be safe, it's best to hold off on dating until all the paperwork is signed and filed in court, especially if you are dealing with custody and financial support.
It's best to hold off until divorce paperwork is filed before you start dating.
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Sheila Riesel, a divorce lawyer in New York City whose clientele ranges from regular folks to major celebrities, says that moving on with your life is, practically speaking, not frowned upon by a judge. But an embittered spouse, especially the one who is the bigger breadwinner, can make the divorce difficult for you. "If your spouse is the one who left, then seeing you with someone else may lessen his guilt and former eagerness to make up for his behavior financially," she says. If you're the one who is leaving, you should avoid complicating the issue -- even in a "no-fault divorce" state like Connecticut, where an angry spouse can claim adultery and show evidence in court if he desires.
Instead of jumping into the dating scene, use this time to seek emotional support from trusted friends and relatives and to reconnect with yourself. Unless you figure out why your marriage didn't work, I guarantee you'll end up in either a rebound relationship, using someone for an ego boost, or a "rerun" relationship, choosing a type just like your ex.
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Her sister's sins aren't hers
My sister ran away from home with her boyfriend when she was 16 (she's 20 now), and she has caused nothing but trouble ever since. I'm nothing like my sister -- I get good grades, and I never get in trouble. Still, my parents won't let me date or go out with my friends. I'm 16, and my only social life is under my parents' supervision at home! How do I get my parents to loosen up a little bit and let me have a life?
K.S., New Jersey
Persuading your parents to give you some freedom is going to take a little patience and a lot of maturity. Think small steps: Talk to them, acknowledge that you understand why they are so protective, and remind them of how you and your sister differ. Then, propose a "test" -- a night out at the movies with a friend, with the conditions that a) your friend meets your parents first, and b) you'll call them when you arrive at the movie and before you head home.
Once your parents see you're responsible about calling and meeting conditions and curfews, they'll slowly give you more freedom. But be prepared: They may not take you up on your idea the first time you propose it. Don't give up, though -- and don't get mad. Give them some time to give you a chance.
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Coach with care
I had a great relationship with my 12-year-old daughter until I started coaching her soccer team. Now she seems to be going out of her way to avoid me during games and won't talk to me about soccer at home. I love coaching, but I want it to be a great experience for both of us. Any thoughts?
S.Y., Pennsylvania
Don't worry. Many parents find themselves in your position.
Dan Gould, director of the Institute for the Study of Youth Sports at Michigan State University, says it's difficult for coaches to find a balance between being too lenient and too hard on their own kids in an effort to look fair. Once they get past age 10, kids start to look at their parents with a critical eye that is influenced by what their peers say.
When it comes to the power of words, girls can be especially sensitive to what their friends say. "If her teammates threaten to ostracize her because they think her dad shows favoritism, or they find things to make fun of him about, girls are more likely to distance themselves from a parent rather than get in a fistfight over it," Gould says.
Talk to her. Because you two have had a good relationship in the past, it's likely you can get her to open up. Start with, "I love coaching, but I love you more, and I'd be totally fine coaching another team if it makes you happy." That will help alleviate any guilt she feels. Listen without getting defensive, and respect how she feels even if you don't understand it. Remember: You got into coaching to get closer to your child, and nothing works better than honest communication.
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