Issue Date: June 18, 2006
Ring of ire
My boyfriend popped the question, but with his divorced mother's ring! His mom apparently always said she would be "honored" if her son used the ring to get engaged. I feel cheated that I got a ring I hate and that it's a symbol of a failed marriage. Can I do anything about it without sounding selfish or ungrateful?
B.D., Ohio
Talk about a multifaceted problem! Think about it: Perhaps Mom truly is a romantic who is passing on what she feels is something very precious. But what if your fiancé recycled the ring because he just didn't have the dough to buy one? Or, worse, it turns out he's really a mama's boy who is used to following her orders?
The only way you'll learn the truth is to express your concerns. Saying you want a ring that wasn't a symbol of a failed marriage isn't selfish. Nor is it ungrateful to say that you've always dreamed of the kind of ring you wanted to wear and had hoped to shop for it together. Plus, by encouraging him (without anger or judgment) to be honest, you won't have to worry about sounding negative -- and hopefully you'll end up closer to a solution.
If he admits it was a financial decision, suggest shopping together to find a ring in a style you like that's also affordable. If it's truly about sentiment, you could ask Mom about incorporating her gemstones into a setting of your own for a new "family heirloom."
And if it turns out Mom made him do it? Time to make it clear that this is one of those instances when your feelings should be more important. If he can't see that, then send him and the ring back to Mom's, and find a man who can!
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