Issue Date: July 9, 2006

A GREAT EXCUSE TO Party!

What? You're a typical American and know zilch about the World Cup?

Don't let that stop you!

By Jay Dyckman

Gather up, sports fans, because football's Super Sunday is here. No, you haven't been in a coma, and it's not late January. It's the other football's Super Sunday.

OK, wait, stay with me here. Even though you rank soccer somewhere below rhythmic gymnastics in athletic appeal, you love sports and feel compelled to watch an event where the fans cheer with a bloodlust that makes a Philadelphia Eagles fan look like one of the Osmonds. So, here are a few tips for celebrating the big game this weekend in a familiar tradition: the Super Bowl party, World Cup style.

Invitations. Any successful party begins with festive invites that lure guests with promises of exciting action. That's why it's probably best not to mention soccer at all. The key is to get these people to the house. Invites with World Cup references on them will largely elicit replies such as, "I've elected to have oral surgery that day instead."

Following the action. It's likely that most of your guests will have only limited knowledge of soccer, drawing mainly on youth soccer league matches for familiarity. Sunday's game should look slightly different, as few World Cup coaches employ the strategy where the ball is chased in a mob formation that closely resembles a prison riot. And it is almost a certainty that none of the World Cup players will chase a butterfly during the match. No matter: Memorize a few choice phrases to shout out indiscriminately during the game. "C'mon, he's offsides!" and "Cross it, you idiot!" At any given time, one of these probably will apply.

Halftime. It isn't likely that the Germans will provide equivalent Super Bowl halftime entertainment, offering instead several ads for Nutella and perhaps a David Hasselhoff medley. Provide an alternative, such as charades, at your shindig. Divide partygoers into teams and act out the best foul performances of the first half. As you'll discover, soccer is notorious for post-foul performances more dramatic than a Merchant Ivory film. Bonus points to those who can muster actual tears.

Betting. Because scoring in soccer is frowned upon, you'll need to get creative. Improvise by laying odds on who can find both teams' countries on a globe, 50-1 if it's Tunisia. Or, place side bets on fan brawls that will, without fail, take place throughout the game. (Note: Go heavy on the over-under if several English "fans" are in the crowd.)

Cuisine. Frankly, your guests have been through enough today -- forced to scrutinize an unfamiliar sport and, ultimately, feeling duped when the game ends in what appears to be a series of competing field goal attempts. Take pity here and just go with pizza and beer.

So party on, and catch some World Cup fever! (Do not panic. This is, most likely, not related to avian flu.)