Issue Date: August 27, 2006

HUMOR

First I'd like to thank ...

We have no idea who'll win. But that didn't stop us from imagining these wacky Emmy acceptance speeches.

By Jay Dyckman

This year's Emmys already have shaken the industry by featuring several shocking omissions and more than a few head-scratching nominees. Let's hope the fun doesn't stop there. Here are some acceptance speeches that certainly would make this year's Emmys the best ever:

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series:
Charlie Sheen, "Two and a Half Men," CBS
Wooohooo! This is awesome! Um, OK, I have A LOT of people to thank. Let's see -- there's Candy, Kristy, Tawny, Tina, Destiny, Angel, Cherry, Raven ... did I already mention Tawny? (Music swells and drowns out Sheen, who continues to list names.)

Lead Actor in a Drama Series:
Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox
(Sutherland approaches podium and grabs statue out of presenter James Spader's hand before the winner is announced.) I'm Kiefer Sutherland, and this is going to be the longest 24 seconds of my life. First, I'd like to acknowledge the Academy for its cooperation. (Spader taps Sutherland and points to the envelope, which clearly reads, "Denis Leary, 'Rescue Me.'" Sutherland pauses to comprehend, then delivers a swift open palm chop to Spader's throat, sending him crashing to the floor.) I'd also like to thank my co-workers. The whole crew, really. (Spader reaches up to grab Sutherland's pants, and Sutherland kneels down to hiss, "The only reason you're still conscious is because I don't want to carry you off this stage.") This is a serious job that calls upon me to make difficult choices, and I ... (Microphone cuts out, and Sutherland begins tapping on it.) Hello? Hello? Chloe, we've been disconnected. I need you to uplink to a clean channel. Chloe?

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series:
Alfre Woodard, "Desperate Housewives," ABC
(Woodard receives award, looks slightly stunned.) Um, well, thanks to the Academy for this. (Pause.) This is for comedy, right? (Checks engraving on statue and then looks back to presenter.) I mean, seriously, did any of you even watch the show? My character kept her mentally challenged son locked in the basement -- and then made the painful decision to take his life so he wouldn't harm anyone again. Anyone remember that? (Pauses and scans the audience.) OK, whatever. I'll see you back here next year, when my character sneaks back into the neighborhood and poisons a troop of Girl Scouts.

Comedy Series:
"Arrested Development," Fox
(Show creator Mitch Hurwitz accepts the award.) Ahem. Well, on behalf of the entire cast and crew of the now-canceled Arrested Development, I'd like to say (dramatic pause) that you can all just BEEEEEP -- (Music swells over Hurwitz's profanity-laced tirade as he is dragged kicking and screaming from the podium by host Conan O'Brien.)

Casting, Comedy Series:
"My Name Is Earl," NBC
(Casting agent accepts award.) Yes, I suppose Jason Lee instead of David Hyde Pierce really was the best call. Thanks.

Reality Competition Program:
"Dancing with the Stars," ABC
(Richard Hopkins, executive producer, accepts with co-executive producer Conrad Green.) Wow, this is such an honor. On behalf of Conrad and everyone at ABC, I'd like to thank the Academy for this award. Everybody, cha-cha! (Laughs at own joke.) But if I could just get serious for a second. You know, Dancing with the Stars is more than just an opportunity to show George Hamilton doing the rumba. No, this show and this award are about the important contributions made to this industry every day by our B-, C- and even D-list celebrity brethren. Oh sure, The Amazing Race and Survivor have enjoyed a good run featuring nobodies with exploitable bipolar conditions and anger management issues. But at whose expense? What are our Tia Carreres and Drew Lacheys supposed to do? There are only so many seats available on Hollywood Squares, people. (Lifts Emmy into air.) So this one's for you, Tia. And George. And Drew. (Eyes tearing slightly.) Your brow lifts and collagen implants were not in vain. You might have had a better shot at getting struck by lightning than winning one of these on your own, but tonight, well, you're all Emmy winners! God bless, and good night.

Hairstyling for a Series:
"Desperate Housewives," ABC
(The show's hairstylist accepts the award.) Oh my God! This is so amazing. I want to thank my family, friends, my dog Skipper, and, um, oh my God! (Regains composure.) Oh. And my contract wasn't renewed for next season, so I don't mind telling you this was the easiest job in the biz. I simply adjust their wigs. They're all bald. Drive home safely!

Humorist Jay Dyckman last spoofed soccer's World Cup.