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September 24, 2006
Humor
The 300 millionth American is coming!
What would be the most fitting way to celebrate this fall's landmark 21st-century birth? Reality TV, of course.
BY JAY DYCKMAN
And baby makes 3 ... hundred million! That's right: The Census Bureau predicts that America's 300 millionth baby will be born sometime this fall, probably in October. Thirty-nine years ago, the newsstand magazine "Life" dispatched an army of photographers to find and profile No. 200 million. But this is 2006, so you know what that means ... reality TV show! So come and take a sneak peek behind the scenes at Fox's boldest reality venture to date, "American Baby: 300M."
You win your very own show! Hey, kid: Get ready for your close-up!
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Memo to "American Baby: 300M" production staff and crew:
Fox is extremely excited about this season's hottest new show featuring America's 300 millionth "talent." As with all our programming, we commit to bring the integrity and class to this show that this special moment in American history deserves. With this in mind, here are a few ideas to consider for the upcoming series.
Demographers are not sure which city will host the birth of our newest star, so we will be fanning out to several cities to get the birth live on tape. However, our Nielsen research shows that Los Angeles is testing very well right now, so let's keep the main focus on hospitals there. If necessary, try to help speed up the birth by offering cash payments if they'll "push just a little harder." Work with hospital staff on this, and, as always, use your best judgment. (But be wary of strong-arm tactics by overeager parents. Their baby does not command a $300 million salary. Six figures, tops.)
Baby born to a single mother? Not a problem. The network is quite high on potential for a special season of "The Bachelorette: Meet Your New Daddy." (Note: There's a possibility this show already has been done. Check with legal.) Or contact Nick Lachey's people to discern actor/singer's interest in "The New Newlyweds!"
The VP of advertising and marketing is really pushing for more corporate tie-ins for this fall. See if parents are amenable to child-naming possibilities, e.g., Google Leibowitz or Cingular Sanchez. As always, be sensitive to parents' concerns, but stress that big bucks are involved. Also, population trends show there's a good chance the baby will be Hispanic. "American Niño: 300M?" Contact Telemundo ASAP for cross-promotion.
All babies are beautiful, but not all of them are as telegenic as one would hope. Fingers crossed here, but let's plan ahead. First, blondes continue to test well in focus groups. Approach parents to determine willingness to work with our hair and makeup people. Second, if circumstances dictate (e.g., the baby looks like a Pomeranian), there is a large crossover potential here with other reality-show hits. Network brass is quite excited about "The Baby Swan." (Note: Possible viewer backlash here. Do we have the focus group numbers on this yet?)
And, as always, high drama = high ratings. We can hope for a Baby Jessica trapped-in-the-well-moment. (Potential benefit concert? Also, good opportunity for a new James Blunt single, "300 Million Reasons I Love You." Contact Atlantic Records.) But we can't just sit around and wait. We must think outside the box. "Baby Fear Factor?" "Survivor: Gymboree?" Let's get creative here.
Please thoroughly familiarize yourselves with the above, and then get out there and show No. 300 million what America's all about!
Humorist Jay Dyckman last spoofed the Emmys for USA WEEKEND.
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