Issue Date: October 22, 2006

HUMOR

How to get out the vote

Funnyman Jay Dyckman shares his ideas to entice more voters to the polls.

On Nov. 7, one state's voters will weigh in on a ballot initiative that proposes to award $1 million to one lucky voter simply for casting a vote. Called the "Arizona Voter Reward Act," the initiative's sponsors are hoping it will drive more people to the polls. But if a state really wants to increase voter turnout, here are some ballot proposals that will send them racing to the polls.

The "Grand Theft Auto: Democracy City" Voter Reward Act. With all the election buzz now centered on touch-screen voter booths, it's time to take the inevitable next step: video game voter booths! Finally, there's a surefire way to drive that stubborn 18-to-24 demographic to the polls. Before making a selection, voters can take their candidate for a spin in this special version of "Grand Theft Auto." Feel the rush of enfranchisement as you deftly maneuver your candidate through the perils of the legislative process using a variety of karate moves and muscle cars. Because this is likely how many 18-year-olds envision the legislative process anyway, this initiative really should not pose too much of a distraction. Bonus feature: Those voters who end up getting the highest scores in the game will be placed on a short list to serve in the winning candidate's administration.

The "I-Would-Have-Made-That-Shot" Voter Reward Act. One lucky voter automatically will win a tryout on his or her favorite professional sports team. Not only does this act offer a chance to spend some time with your favorite professional athletes and get your hands on some prized memorabilia, but for voters who are fans of the New York Knicks, Kansas City Royals or Houston Texans, there is an extra-special incentive: Odds are that you have an excellent chance of actually making the team.

The "Don't-Blame-Me-I-Voted-For-Katharine-McPhee" Voter Reward Act. Because more people are voting for their favorite crooners on "American Idol" than for their own congressperson, it's time for democracy to ride the coattails of prime-time entertainment. (Undoubtedly, this is just how our forefathers envisioned it.) This act proposes that Nov. 7 will be the only day to vote for the winner of "American Idol" and that all votes must be registered at your local polling booth. Bonus feature: After making your selection, the screen will allow you to choose a background vocal track, and you will have three minutes to record an audition tape. Voters should be clearly advised, however, that all ballots with the write-in "Clay Aiken for president" will be voided.

The "I-Don't-Care-Who-Wins-I-Just-Want-A-Date" Voter Reward Act. This initiative addresses two needs at once because you're not just casting a vote for democracy, you're casting a vote for love. This act will establish Match.com as the official sponsor of all voting booths. Voters will be matched with profiles of other single voters in their district and sent instant profiles. Ballots will be reconfigured to allow voters to describe turn-ons and turnoffs, identify themselves as smokers or non-smokers and list their astrological signs.

The "You're-Probably-Just-As-Qualified-As-The-Names-On-This-Ballot" Voter Reward Act. Finally, in what certainly must be considered a real gamble, one lucky voter actually will be selected as the winner of the election. Because everyone generally professes to dislike both candidates anyway, this act simply will assign the honorable new title to one random voter. Any state seriously considering this proposal should note, however, that it has the potential to drive voter turnout to an all-time low of 0%.

Jay Dyckman last wrote about the upcoming birth of the 300 millionth American for USA WEEKEND. Read it here.