More RelationTIPS Ask columnist Dennie Hughes your question

Don't be a desperate single

Let's say you make a pact with your best gay guy friend that if you aren't married by a certain age (40), you'll marry each other. Well, we're turning 40, and my best friend is still the most loving, loyal, wonderful man I know. Not being a very sexual person, I think we can make this work. Your thoughts?
T.J., Washington

I'm thinking the fear of turning 40 is causing you to consider honoring what amounts to a panic pact.

Be honest: Your friend always has been a loyal and loving person, but why wait until now to think of him as a potential partner? Isn't it because, like many women of this generation of 30-somethings, the "old maid" card still trumps "fabulous and 40"? And that the pressure to snag a husband by a certain age can outweigh all of the other wonderful things you've accomplished in your life?

Having a "plan B" is smart when it comes to careers, but not when choosing a husband. Counting on having someone to fall back on can keep you from pursuing new relationships. And expecting a guy friend, gay or straight, to follow through is a bit selfish and arrogant -- both highly unattractive qualities that might be scaring away great guys.

Don't allow yourself to get so desperate to be married that you would settle for a relationship without passion, romance and, yes, sexual attraction.

Do have this friend -- and others who care for you -- help you reclaim your self-esteem and get your dating groove back. Stop letting a number dictate how you feel about yourself. And, finally, allow yourself to celebrate this birthday as you would any other: full of anticipation for the year ahead and a willingness to try new things that may lead you to true love.