Issue Date: April 29, 2007
Bad mom vs. no mom
By Dennie Hughes
My ex is always breaking her promises to our 5-year-old son, and I'm sick of it. Whether it's about coming over or about buying him something, she never follows through. I watch my son go from hopeful to hurt over and over again. Should I try to end her custody rights? Would our son be better off without her in his life?
M.K., Ohio
For information to help you on family issues, go to aamft.org, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy's website.
|
Nothing is worse for a parent than watching his or her child deal with hurt and disappointment. However, unless this situation is abusive, your child actually is better off having his mom in his life. A child would rather face disappointment than lose a relationship with a parent, says Karen Blaisure, professor of family and consumer sciences at Western Michigan University in Kalamazoo.
"Teaching your son how to deal with those challenges will benefit him more than cutting him off from someone he loves despite her shortcomings," Blaisure says.
The next time your ex lets your child down, resist the urge to get angry or bad-mouth her. Instead, focus all of your attention on your son. Acknowledge and support his feelings, and ask him what he'd like to do about them ("It's OK if you want to be sad or cry. Do you want me to hold you?").
Then, find a time to talk with your ex when your child is not around. Calmly discuss her erratic behavior and its negative effect on your son. Explore ways to prevent her from causing disappointment in the future. Ask how you can help her follow through on promises, and discuss family counseling.
Showing patience in this situation will be difficult. But in the long run, it will make your child's life easier, and you'll likely teach him some valuable lessons on tolerance and forgiveness.
|
