More RelationTIPS Ask columnist Dennie Hughes your question

Before you separate, decide on some rules

It seems like couples who say they are "separated but working on" their marriages never get back together. Can taking a break in your marriage ever end up back in "happily ever after"?
C.T., Ohio

A majority of couples try separating or at least contemplate it during the course of their marriage, says Bob Buchicchio, author of "Taking Space: How to Use Separation to Explore the Future of Your Relationship." Couples who successfully get back together spent their time apart working on their relationship.

Wisconsin marriage therapist Lee Raffel, who has helped many couples reunite in her 30-plus years of counseling, says separation, unlike divorce, doesn't have hard, fast rules: "Once apart, couples have no idea what they are supposed to do next: Do they see other people to see what it feels like? Do they contact lawyers just in case?"

The key, she believes, is "controlled separation," in which both parties sign a contract promising not to pursue divorce while apart or date others.

Some separation guidelines:

Know the whys. You can't fix something unless you know where the break occurred. Think about when things began to change. Whether it's related to an affair, a new baby, an empty nest or a new job, your spouse deserves a well-thought-out answer to the question, "But why?"

Set ground rules. Raffel advises that you both commit to a three-month term with an option to renew, long enough to work things through but short enough to be able to address issues such as living conditions. Will the separation be in-house, or will one of you move out? Work out how you will spend time with the kids. And no dating allowed.

Understand your needs. When pursuing a separation, ask yourself what you hope to get out of it and what you want to focus on. Are you committed but struggling with new issues? Do you have pent-up frustrations with your partner that came to a boil (like wanting greater openness, more or better sex, or help with housework), and how do you expect him or her to change?

No surprises. If you really want to work on your relationship, let your spouse know you're considering a separation before you put any exit plans in place or before he or she hears it from someone else.

Don't forget the kids. Tell your children you're taking a break to work on the relationship. Don't make promises you might not be able to keep. All kids have divorce phobia: If they ask questions, just say, "We don't know what's going to happen, but we promise to keep you informed as soon as we do."

Listen to learn. When you're ready to talk, try not to interrupt or argue. Don't make it a contest of "who is more responsible." Instead, think of solutions.