Also: Ask your money question! If we use your question in the magazine, you'll get the new book The Big Payoff

My money, our money

That old devil, money: It's the No. 1 reason many couples say they fight. Not even sex or chores can get tempers flaring as much. Our experts tell you why standing upfor your own self-interests is the smartest move you can make.

Sure, you promise to love and cherish, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer. But, admit it: Deep in your heart, you hope you'll end up closer to "richer" than to "poorer," right? Of course you do. Don't be ashamed.

Meet our experts Dennie Hughes (left): Our RelationTips columnist and author of "Dateworthy" says people avoid discussing money because they don't want to appear to be frivolous (women) or out of control (men). Sharon Epperson: Our MoneySmart columnist is big on "money dates" with her spouse. The CNBC reporter's new book about couples and finances is "The Big Payoff."

Ask your money question! If we use your question in the magazine, you'll get the new book The Big Payoff

Two of our contributing editors -- MoneySmart expert Sharon Epperson and RelationTips guru Dennie Hughes -- are here to tell you this about managing money and your relationship: Operating from a strong sense of self-interest is a good thing. It's good for you, your partner and, ultimately, your marriage.

It's difficult enough to get a handle on finances when you're single. But as a couple, it's even more challenging. However, Epperson and Hughes find that people who put their own interests first ultimately thrive in both their partnerships and their fortunes.

Whether you're married or soon will be, take an inventory of your self-interests and give your relationship a financial checkup. Here's more from Epperson and Hughes on how to do it:

On the topic of relationships and finance, how has being "selfish" helped the two of you lately?
Epperson: I'm drawing the line when it comes to our kids. My husband and I have two, ages 5 and 2. They're already at the age where they need to hear, "You're not going to get every toy under the sun." In the end, we'll spend less money and have more time as a family, and that becomes more rewarding and valuable to them overall, as well as to my husband and me. Being selfish this way actually results in being more giving.
Hughes: That's right. My husband and I don't have children; our siblings do. Because of that, we both needed to be upfront with our senior parents about their financial situation because it eventually will affect us directly.

Let's look at mistakes that engaged couples make by not being frank about finances.
Epperson: It's amazing how much time couples spend discussing the wedding. They'll debate for weeks what music will be played, what dresses will be bought and what kind of exotic honeymoon they'll take. But so few put their own interests first about what will affect them for the long haul -- your money styles and the amount of debt you or your partner might be bringing to the marriage. You need to ask about the credit score, the unpaid college loans and the Visa balance. You need to find out if your partner is amassing piles of debt, or whether it's being managed at a reasonable level. This is going to impact your dreams. Most couples want a house, right? Well, you're not getting one if your spouse has a lousy credit rating and doesn't pay bills on time. And that's ultimately going to hurt the marriage.
Hughes: Weddings are such a perfect storm, aren't they? Take today's generation of instant-gratification young couples and pair them with the billion-dollar wedding industry, which convinces them to spend endlessly to enjoy one day. And bam! -- here's a couple starting their lives with massive debt.
Epperson: Right. Like buying expensive table decorations that end up in a box in your storage room.
Hughes: Exactly! They focus so much on this that they overlook the bigger issue of debt. Women don't want to discuss their debt because it may make them look like frivolous spenders. Men avoid the conversation because too much debt makes them look out of control. But you need to take a selfish stand for the good of your long-term relationship. You can bring your partner to confront the situation and work on a plan together to resolve it. And if the partner refuses? Maybe that's a sign that the wedding should be reconsidered, because living with someone who won't address mounting debt isn't much different from living with someone who won't deal with a dangerous addiction. It can be just as devastating.

How can you handle a partner's inability to keep credit-card charges in check?
Epperson: The short answer is, cut up most of the cards, pay the balance down faithfully and use a debit card for purchases. Some people are inclined to roll the charges to a card with 0% interest, but that solution can come back to haunt you eventually. Most couples don't keep track of when the 0% interest expires. That date comes and goes and then -- pow! -- they get hit with killer interest hikes the next time they open up the credit card bill.

Also, you don't want to keep opening up new credit-card accounts, because eventually it'll hurt your credit score. You want to pay down as much as possible. If your partner isn't in on the plan, change that, because his failure to manage the situation is going to become your problem really soon.

What about the separate vs. joint checking and savings accounts?
Hughes: You need both: a joint one that pays for bills and contributes to your shared savings plan, and a separate one for you.
Epperson: Why not? As long as you agree how much goes into the joint account and how much goes to the personal one.
Hughes: Let's not kid ourselves. Men will never understand their wives' obsession with shoes and handbags, and we'll never understand our husbands' fascination with large TVs. So why argue about every purchase by having everything in a joint account?

What about hopes, dreams and lifestyle visions? How do finances play a role in achieving those?
Epperson: You should get with your partner early and make it clear about the lifestyle you expect to have when you're 25, 30, 40 and onward. Before we were married, my husband and I talked about this. He had a studio apartment in New York, and he said he would be happy living there for the rest of our lives. But after talking it out, we realized we didn't want to raise our kids in the middle of a big city. We came to realize we both wanted more. He's never going to be like me, who goes online to find a retirement-savings calculator to determine whether we're on track with our goals, but we share those goals now because we've worked it out.
Hughes: Sharon, I've found that it helps to have this kind of chat at a time when there is no crisis. The reason some money conversations lead to a broken relationship is that too many of them happen only when the panic button has been triggered by someone's spending habits or a financial mishap. That's when it gets personal and hurtful, and you have a couple screaming at each other instead of working to resolve the problem.
Epperson: Which is why I suggest making a "money date" every three to six months. Take some time away from distractions and go to a coffee shop or a restaurant to have an in-depth discussion about these things. Do it at a time when everything seems to be going right. Avoid times that are stressful financially -- like the holiday season or tax time.

How do couples begin talking about retirement planning and the nest egg they will need?
Hughes: This is also a time when the selfish-is-good attitude should kick in: You need to get a handle on what you have, separately and together, and what you are building toward. If you have a sense that your partner isn't on the same page as you, figure out what you have to do, like getting a second job, so you'll be able to take care of yourself if you break up or if he dies.
Epperson: True. Your retirement is for you, so you have to think about yourself. But you shouldn't let the "big number" you agree on paralyze you as a couple. That's why so many people get discouraged. They see they need $1 million, and it seems so huge that they say, "Why bother?" So keep in mind that you have time, and just build it up as you can. Put away what you can afford in a 401(k), then when you get a raise, put the extra money into the 401(k) or an IRA or both. You were getting by without the raise before, right? As you keep storing money away, the interest you earn will fast-forward that sum to your goal.

Why do people feel they have to choose between retirement and college savings?
Hughes: They don't have to. Who says you are required to pay 100% of your child's tuition? In my home, my brother and I worked hard to get good grades to get some scholarship help. We worked part-time jobs, too. It taught us we had to earn a college education, not have it given to us, so we took college more seriously. Parents need to realize it's not paying money that shows their love -- it's providing emotional support.
Epperson: There is no financial aid or scholarship fund for retirement, right, Dennie? We're living in an age where Social Security is in doubt, and companies are cutting traditional pensions. You're on your own. Why give your kids the wrong education by teaching them that everything should be given to them?

What about aging parents? Many couples are caught between children and parents who need financial help.
Epperson: I still say, take care of yourself first. You're not going to be much help to them if you're in bad shape. But it's also important to talk to them about their financial needs, so you know if, when and how much you may have to step in.
Hughes: It's also a good idea to help your parents with their situation before a problem develops. But because money issues -- especially with seniors -- are considered personal, don't bring up the topic in a way that could be interpreted as an invasion of their privacy. Instead, make them feel like their input is helping you. Try saying, "Mom and Dad, we've been looking into things like long-term health coverage and an annuities plan to take care of each other. Have you guys heard about this sort of thing?" just to get the conversation going. You'll find out where they are financially, and at the same time they'll get informed about what is available to them. End the conversation by offering to get them more information on the things you are talking about under the guise of asking them for their advice later. Nothing makes a parent happier than feeling like his or her advice is still something you find valuable.

Cover and cover story photographs by Brad Trent for USA WEEKEND
Styling by Samantha Strauss; hair and makeup by Kelly Nathanson