Issue Date: June 24, 2007

A lighthearted look at what it takes to get your ATTENTION!

Our resident humorist has a plan to cut through the complacency.

By Jay Dyckman

I'm not certain what the creator of the car alarm was thinking when he introduced his invention to the world, but I suspect that he envisioned a public who, upon hearing that first ear-piercing note, would leap into action, linking arms and encircling the vehicle in distress, chanting in unison, "Save the Taurus! Save the Taurus!"

Well, maybe something like that. But now? I'm not sure I've seen a head turn in years. In fact, it's probably more common to see crowds cheering on the car thief, even offering assistance if it would speed along the return of peace and quiet.

The problem, of course, is that the highly obnoxious and painfully redundant car alarm has ceased to instill any sense of "alarm" in those nearby. Like any alert system, it needs to adapt in order to attract the attention it needs to do its job. It needs, in short, a new distress signal guaranteed to draw a crowd. So, picture this. You are walking down the street when, all of a sudden, you hear a squeal emanating from somewhere down the block: "Oh my God! It's Britney Spears, and she's passed out on top of that Honda Accord!"

Instant mob. Now, some of you might be skeptical about whether this new system will work for you. You're thinking, "Oh, come on. How could anyone think Britney Spears would be in this alley in downtown Des Moines at 3 a.m.?" Well, if you really think that, then you haven't been paying much attention to the news lately. Not a possibility? It's practically a lock. And should pop culture once again see a momentum shift, you can always upgrade to the Lohan or Hilton alarm.

The car alarm, however, is not the only warning system to become so familiar it's now obsolete. Take the flight safety demonstration pantomimed before every take-off. When's the last time you stopped to actually pay attention to the proper procedure for strapping a margarine cup to your face? Probably back when a thick cloud from Pall Malls still wafted freely in the back of the cabin. No, these days we're way too busy texting our ride home or battling a seatmate for armrest supremacy to actually notice if any updated safety procedures have been introduced. It's a shame, though. I, for one, could not tell you where the flotation device is located these days. (Is it a pillow? That dinner roll?) Like most people, I just size up the crowd during pre-boarding to see who I'll cling to for dear life once we splash down.

Well, it's time for an update, airlines. And the answer is simple: Helper monkeys. This may seem inappropriate at first, but let it sink in. They would live in the overhead compartments and assist during the safety demonstration. Seriously, no one can avoid watching helper monkeys. They are hypnotic. Plus, the monkeys could be trained to apply the oxygen mask to our loved ones, who, we have been repeatedly told, we are to ignore until we feel our own safety needs have been adequately addressed. Think of the awkwardness that will be avoided, no longer having to bat away the flailing hands of our children as they claw frantically at our sleeves. "No, honey, Coco will help you with your mask. Mommy's still not happy with how her mask feels." And just think of the hilarious blooper reels the airlines could broadcast of safety demonstrations that caught a helper monkey or two on an off-day. Hey, it beats being forced to watch Cheaper by the Dozen 2.

Finally, there's the office fire drill. Tested and retested more often than a Barry Bonds urine sample, the incessant bells now trigger little more than an eye roll and a door slam. The potential threat of a four-alarm fire has been judged not worthy of the effort of getting out of our chairs, but there's one sure way to get that stampede down the stairwell moving: free doughnuts. Nothing in the workplace has proven as effective at getting people to a desired location as announcing that there will be free food at said location. No more flashing sirens or deafening bells. Simply announce: "Doughnuts. Outside. Now." That's it.

And when staffers eventually get wise to the routine? Just hire helper monkeys to serve the doughnuts.