More RelationTIPS Ask columnist Dennie Hughes your question

Your Iraq war vet may need help

My husband got home from his tour of duty in January 2007, and we are expecting our first child. I was so happy to see him, and I've been going above and beyond every day to make him happy. Still, he seems to become less happy about being home and spends more time out with his friends. Lately, he has been verbally abusive and pulling away. What am I doing wrong?

After losing friends in combat, it's common for vets to find it difficult to allow themselves to feel for someone after they get home. Depression, flashbacks and survivor guilt all are reactions to his inner demons, not to you. One-third of Iraq war vets receive some kind of mental-health treatment within their first year home.

But, men -- unlike many women -- often won't seek treatment on their own, says psychiatrist Charles Goodstein, who works with the Soldiers Project, a group of licensed therapists who volunteer to help military families cope with deployment. That's where you can help.

If you have a spiritual leader, then enlist his help to get the conversation started. If you don't, then approach your husband in a manner that's not confrontational. For example, you could say, "I know that things have been tough. With a baby on the way, I think it would be a good idea if we both got some help to get things back on track. I need your help. Will you go with me?" Suggesting therapy as a way to help his family -- not because he needs it -- may be the push he needs.

Also, start thinking about your -- and your child's -- immediate future. Verbal abuse is unacceptable and can lead to life-threatening actions, especially if your husband refuses to seek help. Be prepared: thesoldiersproject.org has a good list of resources, including domestic abuse centers.