Issue Date: November 4, 2007
Cheat-proof your marriage
Q: I thought several of my friends were in happy marriages, but they have admitted they cheat every now and then for a little excitement. I'm getting married this winter, and I can't get their stories out of my head. Any ideas on how to cheat-proof a relationship?
L.D., Connecticut
A: I spoke to several psychologists, sociologists and other couples experts about this, and even though all say there are things you can do to keep your marriage alive and well, there are no assurances your spouse (or even you) won't succumb to temptation.
The best defense is a good offense, starting with making sure that you really know who you are marrying. Past behavior often can predict what lies ahead. Has he cheated on you before? Or have his past breakups involved cheating after a certain amount of time? Remember, marriage doesn't change anything: The relationship you have before you walk down the aisle is the same one you'll have afterward.
Ask your friends why they cheat. I bet you'll hear over and over that they are bored, need attention or have sex lives that are practically nonexistent -- all issues that often could be worked on and resolved. Surprisingly, spouses who are cheated on often have no idea that their partner was dissatisfied.
Be direct with your husband-to-be about your feelings, and encourage him to do the same. Knowing that honesty won't elicit hysterics or anger keeps a relationship moving forward.
Although there are no guarantees, a little effort on your part can bring out the best in your relationship. Think compliments, laughter and sexy surprise activities. And, most important, keep in mind that every human being needs to be admired and praised. Pointing out what he does right, rather than what he "never" does, goes a long way.
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